Grey Street
by Chibi-Kari
Summary: Jesse and Shelby's abandonment was too much for Rachel so her fathers send her to New York for the summer with her aunt. Sometimes you grow up the hard way and Rachel is about to get thrown into the hard side of the world. St.Berry eventually.
1. Grey Street

**Chibi-Kari: **Hey all, here is my second story! Perfection is about to end and the show is taking a direction that I wasn't expecting so I'm going to take a different take on things. This will be Rachel/Jesse at the end, but expect a ride to get there. Watch out for bad decisions and growing up the hard way. I don't own, but I'd love it if you'd leave me a little note after the button!

* * *

_She says nothing of what she thinks. __She just goes stumbling through her memories. __Staring out onto Grey Street_

_She says, "I Pray! __Oh, but they fall on deaf ears. __Am I supposed to take it on myself t__o get out of this place?"_

_She feels like kicking out all the windows a__nd setting fire to this life. __She could change everything about her u__sing colors bold and bright, b__ut all the colors mix together to grey._

_And it breaks her heart._

-"Grey Street" Dave Matthews Band

* * *

Humiliation. That was all it was. Rachel Berry should be used to it by now. It was something she knew all too well. The slushies. The barely veiled looks of hatred. All the times Finn played her. Every moment she was the joke of Glee Club. But this. This was too much. Her mother decided she didn't want her. And then Jesse went back to Vocal Adrenaline. She didn't even find out until they went to Carmel for an invitational and there he was with them singing Another One Bites the Dust. She almost burst out into tears as they sung, "How do you think I'm going to get along, without you, when you're gone? You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own."

Music always sung to her, but this was too much. What was she supposed to do now? She had given him her entire heart. She thought he was worth it, but obviously he wasn't. No one was worth this heartache.

Rachel turned slightly as Quinn placed her hand on her shoulder. Rachel supposed it was supposed to be comforting, but it wasn't. It was disgusting when even Quinn pitied her. It was absolutely sickening. She was Rachel Berry. This was not supposed to happen to her. She shook off the offending hand before putting on her show face. Nothing would bother her on the outside. That would be letting him win.

The room was silent as they finished. Rachel could tell everyone was furious, but it wasn't as if they really need Jesse. What he did affected them, sure, just not to the same extent as it did her. She had to be the captain, the leader. She forced a smile on her face and clapped loudly. The others looked at her in shock before joining in lightly.

Rachel could feel Jesse's eyes on her, but she pointedly ignored them. She was only thankful that New Directions had gone first and now she could excuse herself quickly. She didn't need to be in this auditorium with a mother that didn't want her and an obviously ex-boyfriend. Contrary to common belief, she could take a hint. And what Jesse did was practically screaming at her.

"That was phenomenal, but of course you know that as National Champions." Rachel beamed glancing lightly through the crowd. She then turned to address her club, "Sorry I'm going to have to rush out of here. My Daddies have some plans with me tonight and I need to head out now to make it on time."

Mr. Schuester looked at her with understanding and Rachel thought she was about to lose her lunch, "Yes, I remember you said that before. You should get going if you're supposed to be there in less than an hour." He feigned looking at his watch and Rachel almost wanted to hug him for his quick thinking.

She nodded slightly before striding to the door. She was halfway down the hallway with the doors to her salvation in sight when she heard footsteps. She closed her eyes hoping it was a janitor or Finn or hell even Quinn.

All those dreams crashed to the floor when she heard his voice, "Rachel. Wait."

She stopped short and heard him stop a few feet behind her. "Yes, Jesse?" She commended her acting skills as she continued to stare at the blue sky outside the doors.

"Let me explain-"

"You should get back in. The whole invitational purpose is to get a greater understanding of the art by discussing different tactics and approaches. You are supposed to be a part of that."

"So should you." He said softly stepping forward again.

"I have prior engagements and have been excused from this rendezvous. So if you'll excuse me I truly need to go." Rachel went to move forward again before Jesse's voice stopped her.

"Won't you just look at me for a minute?" His voice sounded tired and Rachel knew it was that same exasperated tone he would use when he thought she was being unreasonable.

"Sorry, but I need to go." She held her head high and strode out of the building. He could take everything except her broken pride from her. That was the only thing she had fractured as it was. Those small shreds of dignity were all that was left of her.

The ride home was quiet and she was proud that she only had to pull over once for a crying jag. By the time she had returned to her house her face was puffy and her eyes red. She glanced in the mirror and panicked slightly about worrying her dads before she decided just this once she didn't care. She wanted to count on them and not a therapist. She wanted someone that loved her to do something.

"Ray," Her Daddy was on her the second she walked in the room, "what's wrong honey?"

"Life." She shrugged lightly with a watery smile.

"Oh, baby." He ushered her into the living room where her Dad was watching the news, "Tell us what happened."

That alerted her Dad and in moments he had her pulled down and wrapped between the two of them.

Rachel hiccupped slightly, "I'm such a fool. They probably all think I'm such a loser. I was deceived. Everyone. Everyone."

By the time she finished her story her fathers had run out of things to say to ease the pain. Rachel watched as Daddy sat with his lips in a tight line, "Sherry."

"What? You want to send her to New York?" Her Dad's voice was incredulous.

"Would you want to spend the summer with Sherry, Ray?" Daddy turned to Rachel and looked at her seriously.

"She doesn't approve of how we live, honey. How can you think of sending our daughter out there?" Rachel watched as her Dad's voice lowered.

Rachel nodded along, "Yeah Daddy, last time you talked to Aunt Sherry she said you were a corporate sellout and that was one of the reasons the world was going to hell in a hand basket."

"Sherry's a bit on the dramatic side and although I don't approve of her bohemian lifestyle I think it might be just the place for you right now. She would never turn you out and," He smiled at her slyly and she couldn't help but smile back, "you can use this as a dry run of the city."

Rachel couldn't help but think that maybe a summer away would help. She could use it to reinvent herself or at least watch as many plays and musicals as she could. And she couldn't help but imagine meeting a star or director and somehow being cast in the newest breakout hit. She could get a Tony before she even graduated High School. She nodded brightly before running up to her room. Things would get better.

Just as she made her way into the hallway she heard her fathers' last comments.

"New York might be too rough for her." Her Dad sounded a little reluctant.

"We've sheltered her for too long, honey. And Sherry will toughen her up. She needs that and she needs a woman in her life. Plus, she hasn't seen Alicia in ages. They always got along when they were little. We'll send her out right after Regionals. If they don't make it New York will be the perfect solution and if they do Nationals will be there. She wouldn't have to travel at the end of the summer. It's perfect. Win-win."

"I don't know. She's our baby."

"Just trust me. I grew up there and I turned out fine. Ray is a little naive and could use some growing up. Don't worry, she'll only be there a summer."

* * *

Regionals came and went with New Directions taking second after Vocal Adrenaline. Rachel was pleased with the results. As a first year competing Glee Club that was an amazing placement and they would be going to Nationals and Principal Figgins couldn't cancel their club. Everything was perfect. Or as perfect as possible.

New Directions weren't exactly excited about having to be without Rachel for the entire summer before Nationals, but Rachel made her point that they would only grow stronger having to take more solos. Santana would take her solo in Don't Stop Believing because Rachel knew that the girl had a voice and never made it to the front. She tried to allocate solos to those who rarely got to sing. Mr. Schue was skeptical until Rachel had then perform. Their coach folded easily after that. If there was one thing Rachel knew it was the voices of her teammates. Her perfect pitch and ear told her everything she needed to know about who would sound great where.

Mercedes flounced over to Rachel with the trophy holding it out with a smile. "I can't believe this is real."

Rachel smiled back. Mercedes and Kurt were always hot and cold, but when they won something they were always sidled up beside her. She remembered their first day back to school after Sectionals. It was the three of them covered in slushies together. It was bittersweet.

"It is. And we'll do even better at Nationals. We'll win it I promise." She glanced to the wings and saw her Daddy waving her over. She didn't have time to saunter. Her plane took off in three hours and they were still quite a drive from Dayton International Airport. She would get on her plane and then after a short layover in Detroit she would be on her way to The Big Apple.

Kurt came up next to Mercedes and smiled brightly at Rachel, "Scope out the scene for me, Diva. You know what I need."

Rachel almost laughed at that. "I'll see what I can find."

"Oh, you'll find me a man. This isn't Lima you're going to. Hell, you might even find just what you need." Kurt answered flippantly.

"I just might." Rachel knew for a fact she would. She wanted freedom and she would get it there.

Mr. Schue walked up to her placing his hand on her shoulder, "You should get going. And don't forget to check your email when you get in. I'll be sending the new songs to you to practice. Don't forget the club will be there a week early to practice everything with you."

"Not a thing to worry about." Rachel nodded brightly.

"There's pepper spray in your purse, Rachel. You might want to move that into your checked bags so you don't get arrested." Rachel raised an eyebrow at Quinn, "Puck put it in there."

Rachel looked at Puck who shrugged lightly, "Puckzilla is a badass. I know what those guys are like out there. Plus my mom would kill me if there were less little Jewish babies in the world because something happened to you."

Rachel laughed slightly and nodded, "I'll carry it."

Puck grunted before turning to glance at Finn. Rachel followed his line of sight. The boy was still upset about Rachel leaving. He didn't take it well at all and she almost felt bad, but that was quickly smothered by the resentment that she felt because he didn't even try to understand.

"I'll see everyone in a few months." Rachel smiled and turned quickly towards her Daddy who was now tapping his foot on the ground her purse hanging from his hand.

She almost thought her face would break in half from her smile when she saw them from the corner of her eyes. Shelby and Jesse were making their way over and that was the last thing Rachel wanted right now. Last thing she needed right now.

"I'm ready to go, Daddy." She smiled at her father like she hadn't seen them at all. Maybe if she pretended she didn't notice them she could make a getaway before they got to her. She swung her purse on to her shoulder and grabbed her Daddy's arm ready to escort him to the door.

"Rachel, honey?" Shelby's voice was deep and soothing like a mother's should be, but Rachel could find no solace in it at the moment.

"Shelby?" Her Daddy's voice was slightly guarded. He slipped his hand down to his daughter's and squeezed gently. "Sorry, we can't really stay to talk. Ray, here, has to catch a plane in under three hours."

"Plane? Where are you going?" Jesse's voice sounded confused.

Rachel took a breath before turning to face them, plastering a large smile on her face, "New York. I'm going for the summer to stay with my Aunt Sherry."

"What about Nationals?" Jesse questioned narrowing his eyes slightly.

Rachel waved her hand lightly, "All taken care of. Of course wouldn't it work out in your favor if it wasn't?" It was a low blow and she noticed the way he flinched. She couldn't bring herself to feel bad. It was like that Lilly Allen song. It made her want to smile.

"New York?" Shelby questioned slightly leveling her gaze on Rachel's father, "I don't know if that's a good idea."

Rachel felt her Daddy stiffen. She glanced up at his face and watched it harden. She had never seen that type of expression on his face before and it almost scared her, "I don't see how that is any of your business and she'll be with my sister. Nothing to worry about. Now Rachel, we really need to get going."

He pulled her away and she just couldn't stop herself from looking back at the two people that broke her heart one more time.


	2. Trade Yourself In

**Chibi-Kari**: Here's chapter two! Thanks for joining me. Now before the critics come out of the woodwork: Rachel always was a people pleaser and wants to fit in. We see this in Bad Reputation. A little peer pressure can go a long way with her. Also, she's not used to a faster lifestyle. It still will be St. Berry at the end. I've based on the art school activities (don't tell me they're unrealistic) on my friend's experience in a Chicago performing arts high school. I am unfamiliar with the New York transit system, but I did wikipedia it and do my best. I don't own, but leave me a message after the button!

* * *

_Trade yourself in for the perfect one. No one needs to know that you feel you've been ruined. Trade yourself in for diamond eyes. Watch the stars collide as you're lifted from your burden._

_I know you can't feel a thing. It hurts to feel anymore._

-"Trade Yourself In" Shinedown

* * *

Hope. Or maybe it was hopelessness. Rachel wasn't sure she could tell anymore. Her life was such a mess and even the bright lights of New York lighting up the black sky like beacons of light in the encroaching darkness coming closer didn't seem to help her. She placed her head on the cool glass of the airplane window as they circled another time over the city that held all of her dreams.

Seeing Jesse and Shelby like that was too much for her. Rachel caught a glance of herself in the window and cringed slightly. She looked like hell warmed over a match. Hell, not even warmed over. Her eyes were red and puffy and her hair was a mess. That could all be blamed on the crying jag from Dayton to Detroit. As soon as she landed there she abruptly stopped crying. Much to the shock for the poor twenty something man sitting next to her. She felt vaguely bad for him the entire time as he looked awkwardly at her periodically as if he had no idea what to do. Which was probably the truth.

The elderly lady next to her now seemed to give her the same type of looks, but she wasn't crying this time. She had just stuck in her iPod and leaned back letting the sad story of Spring Awakening wash over her. Her life wasn't as bad as theirs at least. She could take solace in that.

The plane landed with a jolt and Rachel's head banged slightly against the Plexiglas. She pulled back immediately and rubbed the sore spot, "Well welcome to New York." She mumbled bitterly at herself.

The old woman glanced at her again and she smiled brightly in response. The woman just eyed her carefully before gathering her things.

Rachel cursed herself slightly. Now even the little old lady next to her thought she was crazy and a mess. Probably thought she was a cokehead. They pulled to an abrupt stop and Rachel grabbed for her bag that was roughly stuffed under her cramped seat. She grabbed the strap before just leaning her head on the seat in front of her. She would wait to be last. She just couldn't muster up the strength to fight with the crowd to get off the plane.

She jumped slightly as she felt a hand fall on her shoulder. Turning her head slightly she looked up at the little old lady that had been seated next to her on the flight.

She wasn't looking at her, but her hand was firmly rested on Rachel's shoulder, "Things will get better. Don't let whatever this is bring you down. You need to learn from your mistakes otherwise you'll just start a cycle."

She nodded once to herself before taking off down the aisle leaving Rachel leaning on the seat in front of her. She suddenly had the urge to laugh at the wisdom of the elderly. Logic at its finest was always what the elderly thought the young didn't know, but logic had been eluding Rachel for the past few months. Hell all year starting with Finn. She had lost what had made her Rachel Berry *.

She just wouldn't, couldn't, let anyone get to her anymore. She would be someone different. As Lady Gaga said, 'She's got to love nobody.'

With a sudden sigh she stood up pulling her shoulders back before walking off the plane onto the ground she was meant to dominate.

By the time she had exited the train all of the remaining luggage was sitting off of the conveyer belt and she quickly claimed hers before a voice rang out near the doors.

"Rachel Berry!"

Rachel spun around to see a beautiful girl running towards her. Her black hair feel gracefully down her back as she ran forward.

Rachel couldn't stop herself from smiling, "Alicia Anderson! Just as pretty as always."

The girl stopped a foot from her while scowling playfully, "Pretty? How about beautiful?" She looked over Rachel once before her face took on a real scowl, "I would say you look beautiful, too, but your clothes are hideous. Is that a cat sweater? Oh no, girl, you cannot wear that at all." She tugged on her cousin's sweater pulling it quickly over her head.

Rachel made a grasp for the fabric as it was pulled over her head, "Hey! What if I had decided not to wear anything under that?"

Alicia shrugged slightly before turning to walk back out the doors stopping only to throw Rachel's sweater in the trash, "You did. Come on now it'll take awhile to get home and I don't want to be out here all night. We have to get on the AirTran and then catch the Long Island Rail and get the subway out to Williamsburg. So keep up, cuz."

It was a whirlwind of movement before Rachel even realized it they were sitting on the small seats of the train car going towards her aunt's place. She glanced at her cousin who was currently staring disinterestedly out the black window.

Rachel shuffled lightly, not one for silence, "So Daddy told me that you had a walk-on in Law and Order-SVU."

Alicia scoffed lightly, "If you call victim number five a walk-on roll."

"That's still really awesome, Ali. Everyone has to start at the bottom and work their way up." Rachel nodded to herself. She wasn't stupid she wouldn't just walk into a massive roll. She had to work her way up and maybe attach herself to a big up and coming before she could tackle her three rolls.

Alicia turned to Rachel wide eyed before shaking her head slightly, "You really are naïve aren't you?"

"Don't worry about it, Ray." She looked up suddenly as the train slowed, "This is our stop. It's only a short walk from here."

They were up and walking before Rachel could even realize what was going on and moments later they were walking into a rather large studio apartment and Alicia calling for her mom. Rachel shook her head. Her day seemed to drain everything from her and everything was moving a lot faster than she had ever thought possible.

"Rachel! Oh you've grown so much since last year!" Aunt Sherry had her daughter's hair, but her eyes were a darker shade of brown. She came forward wiping her paint speckled hands on her apron.

"Aunt Sherry!" Rachel tried to muster her best smile as she looked at her aunt.

"Oh my, my brother wasn't kidding when he said you would look a mess!" She tisked lightly. "You can't let people get to you especially those that can't see you're a star."

Rachel smiled slightly. Everything about her aunt was rushing back and she was immediately relieved. All those things she thought she got from Shelby she could have easily gotten from Aunt Sherry and it was more likely she did. Aunt Sherry was the one that started calling her a star. It was a term of endearment for both Alicia and herself. And her determination and heart were always being compared to Sherry. While her supposed naivety was always said to be like her Daddy's. The relief she felt because of that was intense. She loved her aunt even more for that right now.

Her hands shot up automatically as she caught clothes being thrown at her face. "What are you trying to do, Ali? Kill me?"

Her cousin immediately rolled her eyes, "With good fashion? Maybe. Now get ready we have to go meet some of my friends in," she glanced down at her watch, "twenty minutes. Hop to it."

"Twenty- what? Alicia, I've had a busy day. I've been up since six and been travelling. I need a rest after my vocal exercises. I can't risk catching some disease. My chances have already increased exponentially by the sheer number of people here!"

"Oh, please. Just change and I'll do your makeup." Alicia walked back into her room leaving Rachel speechless in the main room.

"You should go, Ray. You need a distraction and you only live once." Aunt Sherry gestured to the clothes lightly.

Rachel sighed. This wasn't her day. Nothing was going right. Why couldn't she just be left to her thoughts? She wouldn't cry anymore, but dissecting the situation could help her figure out where she needed to be. Or what she needed to become. "I just don't feel up to it, Aunt Sherry."

Her aunt's eyes softened and she shook her head slightly, "Ray, you're transparent. Don't go walking outside like that. I know you're hurt, but you can't let anybody see that. That's how you get taken advantage of. Go have fun with Alicia. You can't change anything so don't focus on it. Be a kid for the night. I know what you're like and you could use a little lightening up."

Rachel sighed again before she joined her cousin to change. Maybe her aunt was right. She did need to live a little. Plus, every experience was another she could use later on.

* * *

A half hour later Rachel found herself in front of a large house. She could hear the music pumping from outside and she contemplated hiking back to the subway station herself to save her hearing. Losing her hearing wouldn't be good for her pitch.

"Don't think about it. We aren't in the safest part of town." Alicia called over her shoulder as she strode up the small yard.

Rachel could see that. There was graffiti on some of the other houses and the chain link fence was rusted. "Why are we here? Why would anyone be here?"

Alicia laughed lightly flipping her dark hair over her right shoulder before looking closely at Rachel. Rachel subconsciously tugged at the bottom of the black halter top that Alicia had forced her into. Her outfit was plain and something she wouldn't normally wear, but she had to admit changing in the skirts for a pair of jeans wouldn't be a bad thing.

"A party of course, Ray. Billy's parents own this piece of crap as a second place. I think they're trying to force this area into becoming the next up and coming place to live."

Rachel found herself nodding blankly as her cousin reached back and pulled her up the last few doors and into the house.

Rachel was shocked by what she saw around her. There were beers everywhere among other substances she chose to ignore, "Ali!" She whispered scandalized.

"Oh, please. You know your high school parties are the same."

Rachel wasn't sure as she had never been to one, but when she was dating Puck he had talked about getting completely smashed at a party the weekend before. She shook her head. Maybe it was normal, but she had secretly thought it was only in teenage movies.

"Here."

Suddenly she had a Bud Light pressed into her hands and she tried to shake her head at her cousin, but the other girl just shook her head and pushed the beer closer to Rachel.

"We shouldn't. We have to be able to navigate home later." She tried to reason with her cousin, but it didn't seem to be working.

"We aren't going home tonight, but do you really think I haven't made it home wasted? I could use the subway with my eyes closed. Actually, I might have."

All Rachel could do was stare wide eyed at her cousin. This wasn't the same little girl that she had grown up with. She wasn't the same girl that lived with her for five years while Aunt Sherry was divorcing her father. She wasn't the same girl that dreamt of being a star with her.

They continued to walk through the crowded house until they got to the living room. Rachel wiped off someone's sweat from her arm with a scowl on her face. This was no way to spend a night. It was hot, stuffy, and people were perspiring on her. The whole situation was disgusting. And the offbeat rap that was playing wasn't her first choice in a musical experience. She had no expectations coming into this, but all of this wasn't what she expected at all.

Someone bumped into her throwing her into a nearby wall. By the time she was standing up again she realized she couldn't even throw a glare at someone. It was like people were faceless here. Everyone was just another body. The anonymity washed over her and for a moment she found herself enjoying the situation. It was a clean slate and she was a good type of nobody here.

The tuning of a guitar grabbed her attention and she focused on the boy that had just taken a seat in front of the crowd on the makeshift stage.

"Glad we didn't miss it." Alicia mumbled.

"What?" Rachel turned for an explanation.

"Oh, that's Ryan. He's one of my friends. We go to school together. He does some great covers."

"He plays the guitar?"

"And sings." Alicia looked at her closely before laughing, "I go to a performing arts school in New York, Rachel. Don't look surprised that I have talented friends."

For a moment Rachel had forgotten her cousin got into a performing arts school. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind, actually. "Are all these people from your school?"

Alicia shrugged lightly, "Most everyone from my school's here, but nah. There are a lot of other people here.

Suddenly the guitar started sounding and Rachel was sucked into the boy feet in front of her.

"Save Me. Great first song choice." Alicia muttered to herself nodding slightly.

"Huh?" Rachel could barely drag her vision from the boy in front of her. His voice was haunting and he felt every word he sung. It was like he connected to everything. He was beyond amazing and she found it hard to breath.

"Save Me by Shinedown. Great song."

"Oh." Her mind had officially stopped singing as soon as he looked up.

His blue eyes found Alicia's before shooting over to hers. It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room and she suddenly wished she could listen to him forever. Anytime Jesse sang she wanted to join in, but with Ryan she just wanted to listen to him. Let him tell her a story. Just by looking at him she could tell he was world weary and knew things she could only dream of.

The set was over quickly and he was standing in front of them. "Who's this, Li?"

Alicia rolled her eyes at the nickname before gesturing to her, "This is my cousin, Rachel. She's visiting for the summer. She has a set of lungs on her if you even need a female voice."

He nodded slightly, his shaggy brown hair bouncing slightly, "Cool." His eyes ran over her body and she immediately felt exposed and fidgeted. He turned back towards the makeshift stage, "I need to help Jeremy setup. I'll catch you later."

Rachel didn't notice Alicia turn and study her until her voice broke her from her reverie, "Don't be afraid to hit that. I have."

The idea snapped Rachel back to reality faster than a bucket of cold water. She could never think of having casual sex and the idea that her cousin did shocked her, "I would never."

Alicia studied her again before shrugging lightly, "Sure."

Rachel looked at her cousin closely before scanning the room before her. It was a big deal. It was just like she told Jesse. It was a big deal for a girl. She had never had a hard time withholding, especially after that experience with Finn in the auditorium. Sex should be saved for a committed relationship. But right this second she was having a hard time convincing herself that.


	3. Hallelujah

**Chibi-Kari:** So I did not like the last two episodes. Jesse in Funk was just wrong. Did the writers forget everything they wrote? And then Shelby in Journey was awful. Seriously, Rachel got shafted this season. And then she goes right back to Finn? So much wrong with that. Anyway, I don't own because I obviously would not have just crapped on some great storylines like they did. I have added in the egging to this story, but changed it slightly. Oh and if you haven't seem Journey there is a slight spoiler with Shelby. Please leave me a message after the button! And I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on the season finale!

_

* * *

_

_Maybe there's a God above and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you._

_And it's not a cry you can hear at night. It's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah._

-"Hallelujah" Rufus Wainwright (cover)

* * *

It was her third party in a week and she had never had more fun. These people were just as passionate as she was so shop talk wasn't frowned upon. They were also open about everything. She fit here. Something that never happened anywhere else. Alicia handed her another beer before sitting down to join the group.

"Ray here was just telling us about why she's here. Broken heart and all." Ryan smiled brightly at her as he slung his arm over her shoulders.

She couldn't even bring herself to feel upset. It might have been Ryan or the forth beer she was starting on, "Well his team egged me in the parking lot. He wasn't there, but it hurt. I'm vegan and they said the souls of all those little baby chicks were on me. It was low." Rachel could feel her vocabulary slipping as she got more and more 'loose' as Alicia called it.

"Dude, egging? That's so cliché. Seriously, did they just watch Never Been Kissed and decide 'oh that would be a great idea.' What douches." Ashley flicked her blonde bangs out of her face as she shook her head.

"And the baby chicks comment was low. Not even witty. Do you want my Uncle Mario to take them out? He's a garbage man. No one would ever know." Damien leaned back. He had dark hair and dark eyes that Rachel found entrancing. She assumed it was the Italian in him.

"I don't think dumping them in a trash heap would help anything." Rachel shook her head slightly.

"Not that type, Ray. You know the Mafia type." Alicia laughed lightly while Damien tried to shush her.

"Oh." Rachel knew she had way too much to drink when she found herself swaying slightly. "I'm done after this, Ali."

Alicia waved in acknowledgement before leaning forward, "The dick probably was in on it."

"No. Jesse wouldn't do anything like that. He told me he loved me."

"Seriously? And he wouldn't some something like that? Break your heart right before a competition? Spy for your mother? Hell, pass a secret tape for your mother to you by planting it none-the-less?" Ryan shook her lightly.

Rachel's eyes opened. She knew all that. The tape part she had found out after talking to her fathers, but now that someone tallied it up it was surprising, "You're right. He's a douche."

"He is." Alicia nodded.

"Want Day and I to go over there and harass him when we go visit my dad and Angelique in Dayton?" Ashley grabbed Rachel's hand.

"Yeah, A and I would be all over that kid if you want." Damien sat back with a gleam in his eye.

"No. No. My team will just beat them in Nationals. Fair and square. We'll just crush his dreams and break his heart." Rachel shook her head quickly.

"You're too nice, Ray-ray." Ryan shook his head slightly before turning to her, "You should take all that crap and find a song to express it. You could sing for the party. Li says you can sing. Should be a breeze for you and would help. I know it always helps me."

To her shock she had never even thought of singing up there in this type of setting. Sure Alicia had joked about it that first party, but actually going up there in front of a group like this was completely different. "It could be fun."

Ryan nodded, "Alicia has done it before so she could sing with you. Hell, the guys and I could play for you guys."

Rachel laughed slightly.

"Come on, let's dance." Ryan pulled her up and away from the group before going out to the makeshift dance floor.

* * *

Even though Rachel had told them not to Ashley and Damien found themselves standing in Carmel's parking lot a week later. It was summer so the school was pretty much empty except a lot full of Range Rovers with Voc A on the back.

"These kids are retarded. Seriously?" Damien gestured to one of the SUVs with his hand.

"Shhhh. That must be the glee club." Ashley nodded towards the group of kids in blue coming towards them.

"What the hell?" Jesse walked forward looking at his car, "Did you do this?" He turned to them wide-eyed and his hands buried in his hair.

The rest of Vocal Adrenaline just looked at their cars in shock.

"Why would we? I don't even know who you guys are. We just saw the mess from the road and decided to take a closer look." Damien responded pushing himself up off Ashley's father's car.

"And seriously this is stupid. Eggs just wash off of paint." Ashley walked forward towards Jesse's car. "If it was me. Oh shit. Well I guess someone hates you guys. That's boloney there. You try to remove that it'll pull up the paint and it reeks. Good luck guys." She walked back around the car and opened the door before getting in.

Damien took another look at them before opening his car door and getting in, "It could be worse. Cars can't be vegan so at least the souls of those poor baby chickens won't be on their conscience."

"What?" Jesse gestured after the car that had just pulled on to the road.

The female lead just sneered, "Berry."

Jesse's voice was tight as he turned to her, "What?"

"That's the last thing we said to her after we egged her." She shrugged before narrowing her eyes, "We can get her and that stupid little team disqualified for this."

"And like she couldn't for what you did? You guys do realize that she's Shelby's daughter, right? What's she going to say if she finds out?"

The group was silent as they looked at their cars. "Crap."

* * *

It had been a month since she arrived in New York and was having the time of her life, but in ten seconds her break from reality came crashing back into her. It was her weekly email from New Directions that broke her in a way that she never imagined it being able to. Quinn had finally given birth, something Rachel was thankful for. The last few months of Quinn's pregnancy was trying for all of them. Her hormones were off the charts and she was increasingly uncomfortable. It really wasn't much of a surprise when she made everyone else as uncomfortable as she was. The fact of her little girl's birth was a good thing in Rachel's mind. That was until she read the very next line. _Shelby agreed to an open adoption for Quinn and Puck._

Rachel could barely hold back the tears as she read that line. She couldn't bring herself to look at anything the email contained after that line. In a fit of anger she deleted the email and stood up.

Her mother, the woman that gave birth to her, didn't want to be her mom but had no problems becoming someone else's. And on top of that it was Quinn's baby. Everything she had ever wanted was taken away by Quinn. Perfect Quinn. Even in her shame she is able to take away everything from her. First there was any chance of popularity. Not to mention her horrible tryouts for the Cheerios. Quinn had mocked her out of the auditorium before she was even able to tryout. Then Finn. Then Puck. Everyone was always focused on her. And now Quinn's very own baby was taking away every chance for her to have a mother.

Rachel closed her eyes tightly and balled her fists. She couldn't even bring herself to move out of the center of the room.

She stood there even as she heard Sherry enter the room. "Ray, baby."

Her aunt's voice couldn't even shake her out of this. Her mother didn't want her. Her mother never really wanted her. She wanted the idea of her, but as soon as she met her Shelby had decided Rachel wasn't enough.

"Rachel." Her aunt's voice was firm as she took Rachel and shook her slightly by the arms, "What's happened?"

"She didn't want me." Rachel's voice cracked slightly and she was even more ashamed.

Aunt Sherry shook her head slightly before pulling her into her arms, "Baby, Shelby is stupid. She'll come around sooner or later."

Rachel shook her head briskly, "No. No she won't. She doesn't want me. She has a new baby now. She-she adopted Quinn's baby. She never wanted me."

Sherry's eyes widened slightly before pulling her niece closer, "Oh, baby." There wasn't anything she could say to Rachel. Nothing would make this better.

"I can't go back there, Aunt Sherry. Not where Quinn is. Not where Noah is. Not where-where I'll see the baby. I-I can't do it. I-I-"

"Hush, Rachel. Just don't worry about it right now. I'll talk to your fathers. We'll come up with something." Shelby looked over to the door where Alicia was standing.

Rachel pulled back after a minute smiling tightly at her aunt, "Sorry about that. It was juvenile of me to get so work-"

Aunt Sherry held her hand up, "You have every right, Rachel. What happened to you was wrong.

Rachel shook her head slightly, "Don't worry about it, Aunt Sherry." She took a deep breath, "But I can't go back."

"I'll talk to your fathers." Sherry nodded knowingly, "I think Alicia's waiting for you."

Rachel walked over to her cousin who stood awkwardly for a moment, "Ryan called. His parents are out of town and everyone is going over there. But we can just watch a movie tonight. Maybe get some Ben and Jerry's?"

Rachel shook her head with a smile, "Going over to Ryan's sounds great. I could use a distraction."

The ride to Ryan's was quiet and Alicia was starting to get worried for her cousin. "You should stay here and audition for my school. You'd get in easily."

Rachel nodded enthusiastically, "I'll have to talk to Daddy and Aunt Sherry about it. I'm sure I could convince them that I would only benefit from this! You are genius, Ali."

Alicia couldn't help but smile back at her cousin before grabbing on her arm and pulling her off the train, "Ryan's is close and really nice."

Rachel nodded to herself as they walked through the small neighborhood and up to a house. She almost laughed to herself as when she saw someone already leaning off the front porch, "I can see it's in full swing!"

Alicia scoffed, "Freshman. I'll say, though. His parties are always the best!"

Rachel relished the feeling that just a month ago she was disgusted by. The music was so loud it became a part of you. It was like getting lost in everything around you and Rachel loved it. She loved every second that she didn't have to feel anything else. All she really wanted to do was erase the last few hours of her life. Hell, if she could she would erase everything starting with high school. She would reinvent herself. She would be here.

"Girls!" Ryan appeared behind them beers in hand and slung an arm over each shoulder.

He handed them each a beer before Alicia took off to go and talk to some senior she was hooking up with.

Ryan laughed slightly, "That girl bounces from one to the another way too fast." He shook his head slightly before looking closer at Rachel, "Ray, you look bad."

Rachel scowled slightly before shrugging, "I just found out how unfair life is."

"Ahhh." Ryan nodded knowingly, "Life's a bitch. Need to talk about it?"

Rachel watched as he smiled brightly at her. Her body filled with warmth. Ryan wanted to help her. He wanted to be with her. An idea struck her quickly and she knew if she thought about it twice she would change her mind. She didn't want to think about anything right now. She just wanted to keep feeling like this. "No, but I wouldn't mind going somewhere quieter."

He raised his eyebrow slightly before grabbing her hand, "My room is upstairs."

Rachel let him pull her along. This was easier than she had ever thought. It seemed easy with Finn, but not like this. It was hard with Jesse. He made her nervous. Ryan. Ryan made this seem easy. She nodded to herself as she saw the room come into view. She wouldn't regret this.


	4. Empire State of Mind

**Chibi-Kari:** No one kill me for this chapter! The glee club, Jesse, and Shelby will be back next chapter! I'm out of town for the weekend, so don't expect anything that quick! I still don't own, but I love all the feedback (especially the comment that even Jonathan Groff was confused during the finale)! The audition moment was formulated after a Q&A session from some West End actors at the school nearby that I saw. Enjoy and please leave a comment aftere the button!

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_Grew up in a town that is famous as a place of movie scenes. Noise is always loud. There are sirens all around and the streets are mean. If I could make it here I could make it anywhere. That's what they say. Seeing my face in lights or my name in marquees found down on Broadway._

_I'm going to make it by any means. I got a pocketful of dreams._

-"Empire State of Mind (Part II)" Alicia Keys

* * *

It wasn't anything like she thought or heard. There was no pain. She thanked ballet for that. And Ryan. Well she had heard Santana talk about the wonders of a dating musician, piano players in fact. Rachel could safely include guitarists in that category. The things he could do with his hands left her mind reeling.

After there was no awkward moments. They both threw clothes back on and went to the party. There wasn't a single feeling of regret after. She was numb. She probably wouldn't have even known if she regretted it because she couldn't shake that numb from earlier away. But logically, she didn't regret this. Those numb feelings had dissipated during and had filled her up with something else. And they were careful and it was amazing. Sure, there were no declarations of undying love or rose petals on the floor. Instead, ironically, there was Starstrukk by 3oh!3 featuring Katy Perry playing in the background.

The only reason she even knew that song was because Puck had wanted to be 3oh!3. He never understood that they were being ironic no matter how many times Rachel tried to explain it. And the fact of the matter was Rachel found them funny, too. "Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him." Classic. Sure mostly obscene and rude, but horrible funny.

Rachel hummed along as LDN came blasting out of the speakers. Lily Allen, another artist that was mildly offensive, but all the more lovable for it.

"You ever gunna sing for us?" Ryan sidled up next to her gesturing to the makeshift stage with a nod.

"Have a karaoke version of Gangsta's Paradise?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

Ryan's eyes widened. "Seriously?"

Rachel laughed, shaking her head, "I don't do Coolio. I'm just kidding."

Ryan dramatically placed a hand on his chest, "Oh thank God! I thought I had lost you to the soulless masses."

Rachel slapped his arm slightly, "Hey, don't knock that song!"

He held up his hands in defense, "I'm not. I'm not! But seriously, when are you going to show off these supposed skills. I'm starting to doubt they really exist."

"Fine!" Rachel huffed slightly. Performing here was more unnerving than any other performance. She had been putting off the entire idea. They didn't want show tunes here. They didn't want something that you couldn't quite connect to. These kids, every one of them that went up there, connected to their music. Dancing was a different thing entirely, but when someone went up there, there was a sense of truth in the song. Rachel wasn't sure she wanted to tell the truth.

"Go up there." Ryan nudged her. "It'll help."

Rachel swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat before nodding slightly, "Can I borrow your guitar?"

Ryan nodded before gesturing for her to go up on the makeshift stage.

She picked up the acoustic guitar gently. It wasn't common knowledge, but she played quite well. She stroked if lightly as she heard the music turn off.

"Hi, everyone. I'm Alicia's cousin, Rachel. Do to popular demand I'm going to sing you a song." Her mind raced slightly as the kids in the room turned to look at her. She needed something that expressed what she felt. What she had felt this year. Everything with her "friends", mother, Jesse, Finn… just everything. It came into her head and she was strumming the chords before she could even wonder if she still remembered the words.

_This is the place where I sit. This is the part where I love you too much. Is this as hard as it gets? 'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough. I'm here if you want me. I'm yours, you can hold me. I'm empty and achin' and tumblin' and breakin'._

_Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. The way I know you could._

_I dream a world where you understand. I dream a million sleepless nights. I dream of fire when you're touching my hand, but it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights._

_I'm speechless and faded. It's too complicated. Is this how the book ends - nothing but good friends?_

_Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. And you don't love me the way I wish you would._

_This is the place in my heart. This is the place where I'm falling apart. Isn't this just where we met? And is this the last chance that I'll ever get? I wish I was lonely instead of just "only" crystal and see-through and not enough to you._

_Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. The way I know you could._

It was silent for a moment before the room broke out into applause. Rachel blushed as she set the guitar back on the stand and exited the makeshift stage. This was different than anything she ever had to do before. Going up there she wasn't acting like she did in Glee. She was herself. The entire situation felt naked and uncomfortable, but somehow liberating.

"Wow." Ryan stood next to Alicia who was smiling brightly, "I know Li told me you could sing, but wow."

Rachel blushed again, "Thanks."

"Movie soundtrack?" Alicia lifted her eyebrow slightly, "Wasn't expecting that."

"Hey! Josie and the Pussycats was a perfectly acceptable movie!" Rachel laughed in response.

"Hey." A boy with dark brown hair and eyes came up to the group, "I heard you up there. You're amazing. Are you here to try out for musicals?"

Rachel was shocked at the question. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind since she saw her cousin in the airport. Instead she was focused on having fun and being somewhere else. And it was really impossible, "I can't. I'm part of a competing glee club. We're competing in Nationals here the month after next thus I'm prohibited from working."

"You're still going to compete with them?" Alicia's voice held an air of incredulity.

"Well, yeah. They can't compete if I don't. They won't have enough people."

"You aren't even going back there, Ray. And after everything that happened. You're just going to stand up there and sing with them?" Alicia was completely flabbergasted as she shook her head in disbelief.

She stopped mid-nod and thought about it. She hadn't even looked at any of the new music. And they could compete. There were enough people after the three incoming freshman joined. They could compete with them. There really wasn't anything holding her there. "Maybe I will."

The new boy nodded slightly, "You should. My uncle is holding auditions next month for a new avant-garde musical. I think you'd be perfect for one of the roles."

"Justin's uncle is really good." Alicia gestured to the boy slightly, "Ashley's trying out for one of the roles, too."

"Same role, but you'd be better." Justin leered at her slightly and she suddenly wanted nothing to do with him.

"Thanks. I'll think about it." Rachel almost wanted to shudder. This boy was worse than Jacob back in Ohio.

He nodded slightly before heading off. He stopped before throwing over his shoulder, "I'll send the info over to Alicia later."

"I'll be right back. Angi looks like she's going to break the speakers." Ryan took off across the room leaving Rachel and Alicia standing there.

"He's creepy." Rachel muttered slightly.

Alicia just laughed, "That's Justin. This would be a great opportunity for you. His uncle is a great director and it could be your way in."

"I'd rather not have anything to do with him." Rachel gestured towards Justin.

"Ray, sometimes you have to do whatever it takes. Talent only gets you a quarter of the way there. The rest is determination." Alicia suddenly seemed weary.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Alicia forced a smile on her face before taking off into the crowd, "Don't worry about it. Let's celebrate your new freedom!"

Rachel couldn't help but smile. Things were looking up. She was still numb, but that didn't seem to bother her. She had what she wanted. Things were working out for her. Finally she would get what she wanted. "Let's go!"

* * *

A month later Rachel knew exactly what "do what it takes" meant. Every girl that was in there was perfect. They were all beautiful, cultured, and could sing. They were everything she dreamed of and she no longer shined here. It was a harsh knock to all of her dreams. She could feel them crashing down as she stood for hour three just waiting to audition. She never realized how this was going to go, but for some reason she thought people would just lie down and give her jobs. Instead she was just another nameless face in a sea of women and she didn't know how to make herself standout. She had seen Ashley, but the girl that was friendly at a party was different here. She had blown Rachel off and criticized her for even being there.

Rachel had always heard it was a dog eat dog world, but she didn't realize how petty people could be. At one point two girls had fought and been escorted off the premises. But it wasn't until after her audition that she realized this was a lot harder than she ever thought. And it wouldn't get easier until she made a name for herself. At this moment she wasn't even sure how she could do that.

These important people that she thought would be impress her just stared at her blankly when she walked in. After her rendition of Don't Rain on My Parade she thought they would clap or at least smile, but nothing had happened. Instead they just waved her away with a "we'll call you if we're interested." It was devastating and Rachel wasn't sure what she was supposed to do anymore.

"How did it go?" Ashley walked up to Rachel and nudged her slightly.

Rachel just stared at her dumbfounded, "Why would you care?"

"Hey, you are new to this. You can't expect for people to bend over and I'm not going to share any of my audition secrets with you. I want the part just as bad as you do. Out here we aren't friends. We're competition and you have to do whatever it takes to get what you want." Ashley sighed slightly before pushing herself off the wall she was leaning on, "I'll see you tonight. Billy's having another party."

Rachel sighed slightly leaning back on to the brick wall. She didn't feel any thrill from auditioning, like she thought she would. Instead she felt tired. Some of the insults she heard fired in there put the Cheerios and Sue to shame.

"Think you got the part?" Justin's voice startled Rachel.

"I don't know. I tried my best." She tried to avoid his eye sight and picked up her back that she had dropped by her feet and started to walk away.

"You could get it."

She felt herself stopping and turning against her will, "What do you mean?"

"Oh a little mutual back scratching. Everyone does it nowadays. Look at the MMS and the oil industry. Probably a bad example, but mutual back scratching put them both ahead for awhile at least."

"Mutual back scratching?" Rachel echoed. It seemed underhanded, but she had a feeling she knew exactly what he was talking about. There was that moment in the movie Fame where the same type of thing happened. Granted there was no video camera, but if felt the same. Cheap and dirty.

"Think about it." He turned to walk away.

"You can guarantee a part?" She could see her chance walking away. Her big chance to make it. It was like Alicia had said. You had to be willing to do anything and Rachel decided she would make it by any means.

"I guarantee that part."

* * *

Rachel took a large swig out of the beer before her after relaying the story to Alicia and Ashley, why she would even tell them was beyond her. But she was five beers in feeling distinctly separated from her consciousness.

"Well, a blow job is a lot better than what I had to do for that part on CSI. Damn." Alicia swore to herself lightly, "And at least he's not bad looking."

"He didn't ask you to call him God after, did he?" Ashley laughed slightly.

Rachel felt her eyes widen. "You did it, too!"

"Not for this production, but yeah. About a year ago. A low point in my life, but worth it. I don't have to do things like that now that I have a show under my belt. But don't tell Day. He still doesn't know."

"You weren't dating him at the time, were you?" Rachel leaned forward.

"Maybe, maybe not." Ashley laughed lightly. "I think you need a pick me up. Something stronger than that beer after that. But congrats!"

Rachel leaned back slightly as Ashley felt around in her purse. A victory like this felt hollow. She didn't even know for sure if she had gotten the part, but the chance was too hard to pass up. She closed her eyes slightly. She suddenly felt like she didn't know who she was anymore. She had all these dreams and nothing was how she imagined. And she wasn't sure if she was okay with that.


	5. Playing God

**Chibi-Kari**: Hey guys, I still don't own, but here's the next installment. Time jump and sorry it seems a bit disjointed. We'll be back to Rachel in the next installment. I won't be able to post for probably two weeks. I'm flying to the States and going to a whole bunch of job interviews all next week. So life will be a mess for a bit! Please leave a review...I'm getting a lot of alerts, but not a lot of feedback. Thanks!

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_Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision. Well maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me._

_You say that I been changing that I'm not just simply aging. Yeah how could that be logical? Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat._

_Next time you point a finger I'll point you to the mirror._

-"Playing God" Paramore

* * *

Will glanced worriedly around the baggage claim. He had hoped to see Rachel bouncing by the doors trying to hurry them outside and on to rehearsals. Instead, he only saw the anxious looks of his students.

"Where's diva? I thought she'd be here by now." Kurt sounded slightly confused as he glanced around again.

"I don't know." Will said softly. "Maybe she's at the hotel waiting for us."

Finn shot him a disbelieving look and Will internally cringed. If even Finn didn't think she was going to come it was bad. They had actually gotten in an argument after his e-mail almost two months ago. Finn didn't think he should tell Rachel about Beth and Shelby. Will disagreed. He just couldn't lie to her. She needed to know before she looked over at Nationals and saw Shelby with a baby. Will had thought that telling Rachel this way would give her time to process and calm down. He started to doubt that two weeks after the email when there was no response. Then two weeks quickly became one month with a word from her. And no matter how many emails he sent he received no response. He tried everything including asking for feedback. Sending video clips and mp3s was still met with silence.

He was nervous enough that he had even called Mr. Berry and asked for Sherry Anderson's phone and address to track her down and talk to her. The conversation was awkward and strained. He wasn't willing to give Will much information besides that fact that she had been busy and he really hadn't talked to her lately. Will just hoped that she was busy and not locked in her room listening to Spring Awakening on repeat. She did know how to be melodramatic and Will could remember when she broke up with Finn he caught her crying in the music room to Those You've Known. He shuddered slightly. She was volatile though. The next day she sang Gives You Hell. He just couldn't predict her.

He looked over at Vocal Adrenaline collecting their bags and sighed. The plane ride had been tense with both teams. Will cringed slightly as Shelby glanced up from the baby carrier to look around the room. Maybe that was why Rachel wasn't there. He could only hope, but he had a sneaking suspicion that that wasn't the case. Something else was going on and she wasn't just going to pop up out of nowhere and go back to her normal self.

"We should head out, Mr. Schue." Puck's voice was rough and Will knew it was only because he was worried.

Rachel and Puck had a strange relationship he never quite worked out. They pretended not to be friends, but whenever Rachel needed him he was there. And Will was almost certain that it worked the other way too. He could still remember when Rachel got egged. Puck was the first to rally all the boys together. He was fiercely protective of those close to him. A trait that Will could see in Rachel, too. She was ready to be up in arms in a second for someone she cared about, but that was also why she was so easily hurt. She invested too much of herself.

"Yeah. Let's head to the hotel and I'll try to call Rachel." Will tried to ignore the way Shelby's head snapped in his direction and how Jesse focused on his shoes. It was a good thing she hadn't showed up here. That he was sure of.

Will stood in the front lobby of the hotel a few feet from the rest of New Directions. Reception had let him borrow their phone. He shifted feet slightly as the phone rang for the fifth time. He was agitated and felt sick to his stomach. It was the same feeling he used to get before major tests in school. That fear that you had overlooked something too important. He glanced down at the number he had for Sherry Anderson to check that he dialed right for what felt like the millionth time.

"Hello?" Will let out a ragged breath at the sound of the breathless greeting.

"Hi, Sherry Anderson?" He tapped his finger lightly on the desk. His nervousness kept increasing and he couldn't quite place why.

"Yes?" Her voice was slightly cold and questioning. Will assumed it was the voice reserved for telemarketers.

"I'm Will Schuester, Rachel's glee club coach. I was wondering if she was around. I haven't heard from her in over a month and the kids and I just got in. We were wondering where she was."

"Oh." Her voice softened, "She hasn't emailed you? I thought she did. Well, she's not home right now. I'll tell her to call you right away when I see her next."

"What time will she be in?" Will tried to shoo Kurt away as she moved to listen in on the phone call.

"Oh, I don't know. Not tonight for sure. Probably tomorrow afternoon sometime." She sounded slightly distracted.

Will suddenly felt a bit of rage boil inside him, "What do you mean you don't know? Probably tomorrow? How do you let a teenage girl go somewhere without knowing things like that! Do you even know where she is?"

The phone was silent for a moment before Sherry's voice came though cold and hard, "Of course I know where she is. That's completely different than knowing when she'll come home. I know if I don't see the girls in 24 hours something's wrong. I always get a text and know where they are."

Will sighed again. He was going about this all wrong. "Where is she, if I may ask?"

"She's at a party at Billy's."

Will closed his eyes slightly. He could picture Rachel with her cousin and friends watching movies. That was something he could interrupt. It wasn't that late. "Could I have the address? I just want to drop by and talk to her really quick."

Will could feel the woman hesitating before he heard her rustling through some paper. She relayed the information before claiming she had to finish what she was doing.

Will glanced down at the paper he had scrawled the address. He leaned forward and quietly asked the receptionist for directions. He rubbed his face as he glanced at the young girl behind the desk. She couldn't be that much older than his students and already was trying to support herself in the city. Probably trying to make it big.

"We're going to go with you, Mr. Schue." Finn's voice was confident as his statement was confirmed by the echoing of agreement.

"I'm coming, also." Will spun around to see Shelby standing with her hands on her hips.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Shelby. What about Beth?"

"Andrea is watching her right now. She can handle it for a few more hours." Shelby answered quickly. Will Schuester was not going to stop her from talking to Rachel.

"Oh this is one of Billy's parties." The girl behind reception shocked them slightly as she started speaking. "Awesome parties. Always crazy." She glanced up at the two adults and eyed them wearily, "Why do you wanna go there?"

"We're looking for someone and she's supposed to be there." Shelby stepped forward and give the girl a pretty vicious glare.

The girl just blinked at her a few times, completely unaffected, before shrugging, "I've mapquested it for you. It's not in the best area."

Will grabbed the paper quickly before turning around.

"I'm definitely going now if I have to follow you." Shelby snapped and Will was almost glad she demanded it. Something was going on. He couldn't imagine Rachel being at a wild party. He tried to convince himself that she either wouldn't be there or it wasn't as bad as the girl behind the counter made it seem. He could only hold on to that.

It seemed like his world was coming to a complete halt as he looked on to the small house in front of him. The windows were practically vibrating with the base of whatever song was on. He shuddered slightly, but tried to hold on to the hope that was slipping through his fingers. Will felt the last of it slip away as a young boy stumbled out the front door and promptly leaned over the porch and threw up.

"It's only ten thirty." He mumbled to himself in slight disbelief.

"That's an awesome party." Puck murmured from the back of the group, "But Rachel isn't in there."

"She wouldn't subject herself to something like this." Will snapped his gaze to the boy who broke Rachel's heart. Somehow Jesse had followed their little group and he still wasn't sure when or how he found out. He couldn't seem to remember him being in the lobby with Shelby.

"Shut it, St. Douche." Quinn snapped slightly glancing up at Puck who was looking intently at the party.

"Well the only way to find out if she's really there is to walk in." Shelby held her head up high as she started up the steps and into the house, stepping over the sick young man.

"That's just nasty." Mercedes mumbled as she stepped over him also.

The party was louder than Will had been expecting and he tried not to wince slightly as the song playing hit a particularly uncomfortable note.

Shelby just continued to stand in the middle of the entry way looking between the rooms as the rest of New Directions and Jesse piled in behind her. It seemed to Will as if she didn't even know where to start. To tell the truth he didn't know where to start either. If he just stopped a kid and asked them chances are they wouldn't even know who Rachel Berry was.

"Is that coke?" Kurt asked slightly scandalized.

"Yup." Puck responded his eyes slightly wide. Will looked at the two of them. He knew even Puck didn't mess around with that stuff. Will wasn't naive or stupid enough to think Puck didn't do questionable things in his spare time, but even he looked scandalized. "She better not be here."

"What the-" Jesse's voice was cut off as he stomped into what Will guessed was originally a living room. With a quick flick of his arm he had pulled a girl off of a boy sitting on an overstuffed chair, "Who the hell are you?"

Will and the rest came barreling into the room and he tried to understand the situation. There was a brown haired boy on the couch and a small brunette girl Jesse had firmly gripped behind his back. It took Will a moment to realize the girl standing behind Jesse was his very own starlet. Her clothes resembled those he had only seen on the girls that were considered slutty at their school. Hell, even these were worse than those. She seemed to be wearing some purple top that he wasn't sure he could classify as a top considering the lack of material making it up and a pair of jeans that were so tight he was afraid for her decency.

"I'm Ryan. As everyone here knows who I am the better question is who are you and what the hell are you doing here?" The boy on the couch was deceptively calm. He had a smile on his face that Will didn't think fit there. The situation seemed to amuse the boy more than anything else.

Jesse seemed to be at a slight loss for words and Will swore that he saw the arm that was holding Rachel's shake slightly.

"He's Jesse St. James." Rachel giggled lightly before leaning towards the table grabbing a beer.

Will was about to walk forward and snatch it from her, but Shelby got to it first.

"What the hell are you doing?" Shelby's voice was deadly and Will found himself shuddering slightly in response. There was a mixture of disappointment and anger that he had never heard before.

Rachel pulled her arm from Jesse's grasp easily before holding her arms out wide, "I'm celebrating!"

Ryan nodded before standing and pushing himself between Rachel and Jesse and throwing his arm over Rachel's shoulders smiling brightly at her.

"Celebrating what?" Brittney asked lightly.

"Got the lead in a musical of course." A girl said from the couch behind her. "My cousin has the best voice I've heard. No doubt she would." She nodded to herself before looking off to the left.

"This isn't celebrating." Shelby snarled lightly.

Rachel started laughing loudly and Will was finally able to place exactly why Ryan's smile didn't fit, "Are you high?" He couldn't even try to hide the complete disbelief he felt.

Rachel only waved her hand lightly, "High. Low. It's all perspective isn't it?"

He wasn't sure what to say to that and he knew the kids standing behind him were just as silent and confused. This wasn't the girl he watched leave for the airport. This was someone he didn't even know.

"What the hell are you doing?" Shelby's voice was slightly raw. "You're coming back with me right now."

Shelby reached forward, but missed as Rachel sidestepped her before laughing again, "You can't tell me to do anything. You may have given birth to me, but you didn't want to be my mother. Go home to your real daughter."

Shelby looked like she had gotten smacked and Will knew he needed to intervene before things got worse. "Rachel-"

"Oh, I don't want to hear from you. You act worse than us kids sometimes. The crap you pulled is ridiculous. Fix your own life before you even try to step into mine. I'm doing fine and getting everything I've ever wanted. That's more than I can see for either of you. Now excuse me. I have places to be and people to see." She pulled herself away from Ryan and disappeared into the crowd behind her.

Will turned to the kids behind him and gestured them towards the door. There was no way anyone would be able to find her now. She probably had herself locked in some room, "I'll talk to her again when" he paused for a moment not sure what to say, "she's not like this."

He grabbed a beer that had found its way into Puck's hand and placed it on a table before pushing the kids out the front door. He placed a hand on Shelby's bicep comfortingly.

They made it a few feet before two kids appeared at the door and called, "St. James."

Jesse turned quickly hope coloring his face, hoping Rachel wanted to see him. Instead his look changed to confused before settling on disbelief.

"See, I thought we settled the score earlier. When a score is settled, normally, both parties keep away from each other." A young girl stepped on to the lawn approaching Jesse slightly.

A boy came up behind her folding his arms over her chest, "Keep away or we'll take it personal. You seem like a smart boy. I really didn't think you'd miss the point the first time." He reached over to the girl next to him and pulled her back towards the party.

Shelby turned to Jesse as he stood staring after them, "Do you know them?"

Jesse swallowed slowly, "They were the ones that destroyed VA's cars."

Shelby's eyes narrowed, "I thought you said you didn't know who did it or why."

He shook his head slightly, "I don't know them. I don't know anyone in there."

The implications of that statement didn't pass over Will. And he found himself agreeing. Right now he didn't know anyone in there.


	6. Nobody's Home

**Chibi-Kari**: I'm back! And guess what! I've started on another story...I'm halfway through chapter two there. It's a future fic starring Beth, Jesse, and Rachel. Here's a little promo:

_"Beth." Jesse sounded tired suddenly and it reminded her that it was almost two in the morning. "You need to respect her wishes. If she doesn't want you in her life you can't just force your way in."_

_"And what about my wishes? She doesn't know me! She doesn't know anything about me! I want her to know me! I want her to be a part of my life! Why does she get to dictate this?"_

_Jesse flinched and closed his eyes tightly as they pulled up to a red light, "I know it doesn't seem fair, Beth, but do you think her life has been fair? Do you think that she's never had to go along with other people's wishes? And now you're running into her life and expecting her to love you without knowing her. That's not fair either."_

What do you guys think? Feedback is always loved! I don't own Glee...but I'd be nice and rich if I did! On to the next chapter!

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_And her feeling she hides. Her dream she can't find. She's losing her mind. She's fallen behind and she can't find her place. She's losing her faith. She's fallen from grace. She's all over the place._

-"Nobody's Home" Avril Lavigne

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Rachel tried to catch her breath as she leaned against the wall. Them coming here was the very last thing she had expected. Actually, she would have categorized it under impossible just three hours ago. Instead of enjoying her life she was pulled off of Ryan to find herself behind Jesse. It had completely ruined her buzz, not to mention the spirit of celebration they had going on. So here she was locked in a room alone shocked. She didn't know what to think anymore. She hadn't wanted to be this person that she became, but it was too late. She enjoyed this new Rachel. She was free and did what she needed to get where she wanted. She was strong. The Rachel she left back in Ohio was weak. She never did what it took to be who she wanted. Instead she tried to fit in and never did. She was used and abandoned. That wouldn't happen to new Rachel. This Rachel was jaded and if someone was doing any abandoning it would be her. She wouldn't let people hurt her again.

"Rachel?" She jumped slightly when she heard Ryan call through the door. "You okay?"

She nodded slightly before realizing that he couldn't see her. She couldn't stop herself from giggling. Maybe her buzz wasn't completely gone. She tore the door open and Ryan almost fell into the room. "You shouldn't lean on doors. That's asking for trouble."

Ryan nodded absently while he straightened himself, "And you shouldn't insult adults. That's only asking for trouble."

Rachel shrugged slightly, "What are they going to do? Call my parents. Please. My dads couldn't do anything to stop me. What are they going to do? Ground me. I'm getting everything I wanted. Everything they wanted from me. I don't need anything else."

Ryan eyed her slightly before grinning. He took a few steps forward before pulling her flush against his body. His hands ghosted up her sides, "Nothing else?"

Rachel felt her eyes flutter closed. She smirked folding her hands into the hair on the back of his neck, "Want and need are two different things. And yeah I do want that."

He leaned forward and she could feel him smile. Nothing else mattered right now.

She woke up the next morning to find herself laying facedown on her and Alicia's bed. She felt like crap and she wasn't sure how she got home. She only had a vague memory of her entire glee club and Jesse and Shelby showing up at the party. She prayed that that was just her imagination. Actually, it seemed like a very real possibility, but she somehow knew they were there.

She blindly groped for Alicia, but only felt air. Rachel was sure that he had never ever felt this bad in her entire life. For once she couldn't think of a good reason to go out and do what she normally did. Granted, it was a celebration. But right now it felt like the party had moved inside her brain where they were all jumping up and down in unison.

"Feel like crap?" His voice shocked her and she held as still as she could. Maybe he would go away. "Rachel, I know you're awake. Your stiffening makes it obvious."

She slowly brought herself into a sitting position and almost immediately regretted it. The room spun wildly and she had a feeling that her train of thought wasn't going to come back anytime soon. Her thoughts seemed to be rushing through her mind without much cohesiveness.

"I think I'm still drunk."

Mr. Schuester thrust a glass of water in front of her and an aspirin. "That's the dehydration talking.

She eyed him carefully before taking both and nodding her thanks.

He sighed as he looked her over. She was a mess and there wasn't even a shred of the girl that had once told him how important it was to be a part of something, "What are you doing to yourself?"

"What am I doing to myself?" Rachel scoffed. How dare he walk into her room and ask her that. How dare he walk into her life when it was finally going some where? When she had finally found people that wanted her around. "I'm fitting in. I'm making a name for myself. I'm becoming everything I ever dreamed of!" Her voice was harsh and she could almost feel herself believing her own words.

"No you aren't. You're destroying your mind and body! And most of all you're destroying your future."

"Excuse me, Mr. Schuester. I was given the lead role in an off-Broadway show. How is that ruining my future? I think that's embracing it." She finished the last of the water and felt a bit more like she could follow the conversation. She couldn't stop herself from thinking that she would be able to follow it better if Mr. Schue took his head out of his ass.

"You can't expect to give a good performance if you act like this in your spare time? You can't wake up in the morning hung over and go to work. All this alcohol and whatever the hell else you've been taking can ruin your voice! You look like a mess! I understand that you're angry with everything that happened with Finn, Jesse, Shelby, everything. I understand, but you can't throw everything away. That's selfish. You have to respect that not everything is going to go your way. Throwing things away like this is stupid. Think of your future. What if Broadway doesn't pan out? You won't have a high school diploma to fall back on."

Rachel was infuriated. She couldn't even bring herself to speak for a moment. "You want me to respect other people's wishes? To let them all walk out of my life. To let them all dictate what is best for me or really them? What about me? What about my wishes? Am I supposed to always roll over and let other people just give away what I want. Am I supposed to say, 'Oh, Shelby, I'm glad that you're happy now with your daughter. It's okay that you didn't want me even though I needed you. It's okay that you think that I'm too old and don't need you even though I'm drowning.' Yeah. That's what you're saying isn't it?"

Her voice was cold and Will shook his head slightly to brush it off, "That's not what I meant, Rachel. You're strong. You don't need their negativity. You can make it yourself."

"I know. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm making it myself. I'm making it my way. I don't need any of them. I don't need you. I don't need to be a part of something, but I am now. I'm more apart of those people than I ever was of that glee club. I'm replaceable as Kurt liked to remind me. And just for your information I will be getting a degree. The arts school my cousin goes to allows for time off to work. I'll finish my education, but you don't need to worry about that. With or without your vote of confidence I will make it. I don't need anyone to tell me about it. This is my dream and I will make it come true. Now if you would kindly leave." She pointed to the door and tried to keep her face impassive.

He stared at her a moment longer before nodding his head. He stood quickly and crossed the room. She watched him hesitate in the doorway before glancing over his shoulder at her, "You're wrong about one thing, Rachel. What you're doing isn't your dream and this isn't you."

He left silently after that. Rachel stared down at her hands. She couldn't bring herself to get out of bed. She didn't want to move. She didn't want to think.

"Rachel?" Her cousin's voice was quiet, but Rachel could hear her steps approaching the bed as if she was walking on the face of a drum.

That was it. She couldn't hold it anymore. Rachel fell forward. Her hands catching her head as she burst into tears. She couldn't take any of this anymore.

"I knew we shouldn't have let him in! I tried to stop Mom from letting him come back here, but she thought it would be good for you to tell him you weren't going back in person. I'm sorry, Ray. I'm so sorry." Alicia sat on the bed and wrapped her arms around Rachel, "What did he say to you? He got mad, right? We shouldn't have let him in."

Rachel only cried harder. He was right. She had lost her dream. This wasn't what she wanted. It was what she had thought she wanted, but when it actually happened…it wasn't right. This wasn't the right way. She longed for other's approval, but in this moment she realized that the only approval that mattered was her own. She wanted to get her first show based on talent. She wanted to have friends because they wanted to support her. She wanted to be intimate with someone she loved. She wanted her mother. But there were some things she couldn't have. She couldn't get out of this spiral. She couldn't turn around. This is who she had to be. Rachel wasn't crying because Mr. Schue yelled at her. She was mourning the death of who she was and who she wanted to be.


	7. So Beautiful

**Chibi-Kari:** Hey all! Guess what? There are four more chapters after this and they are done! Since I've actually got the story completed on my computer I'm going to propose a posting rule. 10 reviews means a new chapter and I'll keep going until all the chapters are done. If I don't get 10 after a week I'll post the next chapter. So it's 10 or a week, whichever comes first. When I post the last chapter I'll post the first chapter to my new story! If we do the week thing, there won't be a posting next week..I'm moving out and it'll take a bit for my internet service to start up. I don't own, but enjoy!

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_With your focuses changing, your gaze is transfixed on a point that I can't often see._

_I heard that you were living well, but you don't look like you're living to me. Though the sparkle is gone, your smile is in place so that everyone watching can see. You've got them all convinced._

-"So Beautiful" Dashboard Confessional

* * *

Shelby had been furious when they returned. It was something he had never seen before. There was a fire and anger in her that was frightening. It was even worse than the time she had been accused for working her club to the point of negligence. All of Vocal Adrenaline heard when she called Rachel's parents. Jesse flinched several times as her voice boomed out of her room and through the hallway. No one had a right to hear Rachel's business and it seemed that Rachel's fathers didn't think any of this was Shelby's.

She mumbled the next morning, mockingly, about 'Finding her own way and making her own mistakes.' She wasn't happy. Everyone could tell she oozed anger out of every pore. A bell boy actually dove out of her way when she stormed through the lobby looking for New Direction's coach. She was in the process of bitching out the receptionist, Jesse just inches behind her wondering if it was safe to try and calm her down, when Will walked in.

"Shelby." His voice cut across the lobby and Jesse was sure he had never seen his coach move so fast.

Shelby was standing in front of Will as the last of her name echoed through the now empty lobby. She knew how to clear out a room. Jesse sauntered up to the group not sure if he really wanted to find out what was going on or if one of the couches would send him away.

"What did her fathers say?" Will questioned glancing at Jesse. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of the boy listening to this, but he was a part of the reason Rachel was acting the way she was. He was sure of that.

Shelby huffed in indignation, "They pulled some crap about expressing herself and making her own mistakes. They seemed delighted that she got a part in a musical and nothing else mattered. Then they made it very clear to me that I had no right to interfere with her life. And that I shouldn't even be talking to her after what happened."

Jesse stared in shock at her. He couldn't believe Rachel's parents would say that. They had always been upstanding, a bit liberal for his tastes, but two wonderful people. Sure, he had often thought that they might have pushed Rachel a bit too much. She seemed to be lacking in most of the fundamental childhood experiences, but she always said it was her choice, "Maybe they just didn't believe that she would do that. She's always been the apple of their eyes."

Shelby deflated slightly as she turned to look at her young student, "You're probably right. They've known me to be a bit of a drama queen so they probably thought I was exaggerating. Normal high school parties aren't like that are they? Please don't tell me you and the rest of Vocal Adrenaline do those kinds of things."

He shook his head. Truth be told he didn't think anyone had parties like that except on television, "No way. There is normally some alcohol and maybe some pot, but that's it. I've never seen anything like that." Shelby's eyes narrowed and Jesse almost took a step back. "Of course Vocal Adrenaline knows not to take part in those activities…we attend for social reasons only." She nodded appeased and Jesse sighed in relief. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt them. He just prayed she didn't go out and buy some drug tests from Walgreens…he knew some of the kids smoked occasionally. He really didn't need her disqualifying half of the team because of his mouth…on top of everything else.

Will shifted from leg to leg before shaking his head slightly. He couldn't deny that some of his students partied more than they should. Actually, Puck was the only name that really came to mind. "Well I just got back from talking to her. Besides being horribly hung over she seemed alright."

"Alright? Acting like that I'd say she's far from alright!" Shelby scoffed.

Will narrowed his eyes, "And do you blame her? She's hurt and trying to find a place to fit in. The glee kids haven't always been the best to her. Jesse left her. You decided you didn't want her. Her dads sent her here. Are you surprised she feels abandoned and fell in with the first people that accepted her? Are you shocked that she's trying to take control of her life? Granted, she shouldn't be doing it this way, but I think she actually believes this is her only option. She's scared and hurt. And at this point I'm not sure she believes she can leave this new Rachel behind. This is how she's coped with things." He shook his head. "I'll call her fathers and talk to them."

Jesse sat heavily on the couch in the lobby. Shelby and Will stared awkwardly at each other for a minute before leaving him alone. This wasn't what he wanted. He still loved her; he had just been upset with her. He tried to hurt her like she had hurt him and it bit him in the ass. He thought after he upset her that she would…actually he wasn't sure what he thought she would do. This wasn't it, though. He expected they would be back together after Regionals. She wasn't supposed to come out here. She wasn't supposed to be doing this. To be with some other guy. It was obvious they were sleeping together. She hadn't let him in, but this random guy she hadn't known very long was able to swoop in and take that from him.

She was hurt. He understood that. Rachel always felt left out and so for once in her life she tried to fit in. Or maybe she just fit in with these kids and decided to go with the crowd. That thought hurt. The whole idea hurt. He knew she longed to have people around her and would do anything to get that. The Run Joey Run video showed that to him and he pushed her right into it.

He shook his head before standing up and heading to reception. He was going to find her and apologize. Hopefully he could talk some sense into her. This…whatever this stage was…needed to end. He asked for directions to her aunt's house and thanked God that Rachel had talked about Sherry before. He knew where she lived and it was easy enough to get directions.

The subway ride there was long and he couldn't help but glance at the signs for various Broadway shows littering the car. He could picture Rachel's face on one of those. He just hoped it wouldn't be as ragged as it looked last night. She was changing before his eyes and he had to stop it. He had to get through to her before it was too late. There just wasn't another option.

He got there faster than he thought he would and found himself unsure, for once in his life, as he stared at the worn wood door in front of him. Gathering all his courage he knocked loudly.

The door squeaked open and he found himself face to face with the girl from the night before that claimed to be Rachel's cousin. He guessed she must be Alicia. She wasn't exactly what Rachel had described to him. This girl was jaded and full of mystery, not the wide eyed idealist that Rachel had told him about.

Alicia's eyes narrowed as she quickly tried to slam the door in his face. He reached forward and stopped it with his hand. It smarted slightly, but he wouldn't let her know that. She might get some sick satisfaction out of that. Actually, he was certain she would based on the look she was giving him.

"I just want to talk to her." His voice was pleading and it sickened him. This wasn't Jesse St. James, but this is what Rachel's actions had reduced him to.

"How about no. Don't you guys think you've done enough to her already? She cried after that man left this morning! I'm not subjecting her to more of this." Jesse was sure that if looks could kill he would be more than dead right now.

"Just, please. I won't make her cry. I promise."

She gave him a slightly disbelieving look before opening the door farther and pointing him towards her bedroom.

"If I hear crying I'll come in there and hand your balls to you." She left him standing there staring. He didn't doubt her for a minute. He was glad that Rachel had someone looking out for her no matter how painful it seemed.

He nodded to himself slightly as he approached the open door. In less than fifteen steps he was standing in the doorway. He could see her still form laying on the bed. She was distraught. Rachel was so much like her mother when it came to expressing everything without saying a word. It was the one thing she had wrong. She didn't need all of her words to get her point across. She was able to do it with one look.

He stood for a moment longer taking her in. It hurt that he hadn't seen her in months and when he did it was this mess. For a moment, her just laying there, he could imagine they were back in her bedroom. That she was upset that the club had disregarded her again. Not that she was so lost. That she was reaching for something he couldn't even see.

"Rachel." She flinched and stiffened. He waited a moment, but she refused to move and look at him. With a sigh he made his way over to her bed, his feet padding lightly on the beige carpet. The room was so neutral. So different than Rachel's bright room back home. He stood parallel to her back before taking a seat on the edge of the bed next to her. He wasn't sure what to say or what to do. "Rachel."

"Go away." Her voice was muffled from the pillow and he couldn't help but stifle an inappropriate laugh. She had said that to him on more than one occasion with a much different meaning, but it still brought back a wave of nostalgia.

"You know you really don't want me to." Normally she would have flipped on her back smiling up at him and opening her arms wide. This time she didn't move. He took comfort in the fact that she wasn't refuting the statement.

He glanced at her body lying still beside him. She was so close. It was so natural. Jesse tried to mentally stop himself, but his hand seemed to have a mind of its own. It moved up before landing lightly on her back. It always amazed him that his hand could span the entirety of her lower back. It felt right. Everything about her still felt right. "You need to come home."

"Home? Where exactly is that, Jesse?" She was suddenly angry and he could feel her body shift as her fists balled under the pillow.

"Lima. With your fathers. With Shelby." He had to stop himself from adding with me.

Rachel scoffed before turning over and flinging his hand off of her, "Really? Last I checked Shelby wasn't my mom. She didn't want me. In fact, she got herself a new little girl, didn't she?" Jesse flinched slightly. He couldn't say anything to that. Rachel just continued, "And my fathers? They sent me here, didn't they? What do you want from me? What did you think even coming here would accomplish? Did Mr. Schue give you this address? Send you here to seduce me like my mother did before?"

Jesse through his arms up in the air and stumbled from the bed, "What the fuck, Rachel? I loved you. It had nothing to do with Shelby and Mr. Schuester didn't give me this address. I listened to you. I always listened when you spoke. This isn't you. Whoever this new Rachel is needs to hit the road. You were always sweet, dedicated, and knew where you were going. You don't know what you're doing anymore. I can see that! I can see you!"

Rachel recoiled as if he had slapped her, "I never knew where I was going. Don't pretend to know me!"

"I can't even pretend to know you! I don't know this new you, but I knew the old you. I loved that you. Everything about you. I knew how uncomfortable you really were with your parents. I know how you always looked for someone to tell you that what you were doing was right. I always knew what would make you smile the brightest." He suddenly felt exhausted and collapsed into the chair pulled slightly out of the writing desk to the left of the bed.

Her breathing was ragged, but her voice was unnervingly calm, "They why did you let them do it? The eggs. Why did you leave me alone?"

Jesse focused on the floor in front of him before shaking his head, "I was angry. I was so angry that you wouldn't let me be enough. I didn't know about the eggs. I swear I didn't know. And Shelby…I didn't think I was leaving you alone. I thought she would take care of you, not leave you. I didn't know, Rachel. I…I just didn't know."

She nodded slightly, "Are you still angry?"

"Yes. But for a completely different reason. I don't know who you are anymore, Rachel. I thought I knew you, but not now. I can't tell who you are." Jesse found himself overcome with the need to leave. He couldn't be in the room with her, not like this. "I have to go." He stood up and walked to the door. Jesse couldn't abandon her again, but he just couldn't be with her like this, "Rach-I. If you need anything call me. I'll be there as fast as I can. Just-I just can't be with you right now. I can't see anything of that girl I love. Just…call me when you find some part of her." He left the room as quickly as he could without looking back. He couldn't swoop in and save her. She had to make the first step herself.

Rachel sat for a moment longer, staring at the door, "I can't see anything of her either."


	8. Save Me

**Chibi-Kari: **Well the 10 rule seems to be working out! I'm keeping it in effect for the rest of the story! PS I am brushing over Nationals...just think it happened already. I don't own and I manipulate the characters to my will! Enjoy and I hope to see you back tomorrow!

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"_How did I get here? And what went wrong? Couldn't handle forgiveness now I'm far beyond gone. And I can hardly remember the look of my own eyes. How could I love this, a life so dishonest, it made me compromise._

-"Save Me" Shinedown

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Rachel stood from the bed for the first time that morning, or afternoon as it turned out to be when she looked at the clock on the vanity. Jesse's words hit home more than Mr. Schue's, but she couldn't be sure he meant some of the things he said. Could he really love her? If he did how could be bring himself to leave her? Why did he feel like he had to hurt her when she hurt him? Could she trust him after he did that? Could he forgive her for everything she's done? Could she forgive herself?

She pulled her hair over her shoulder and reached for the hair brush. It wasn't until she glanced up while plating her hair that she realized she no longer recognized herself. Her smile was gone. That sparkle deep in her eyes was absent and left with a dull sheen. She wasn't Rachel Berry* anymore. For the first time since she arrived in New York she realized she wasn't a new Rachel Berry…she wasn't Rachel Berry anymore. She was a scared child that didn't know how to function in the world around her. And now she wanted help. It reminded her of the time her and Daddy were walking down the street in Chicago and she had pointed at the homeless man singing Beatles songs on Michigan Avenue and asked why he was there. Daddy had sighed a little, placing his hand on her shoulder, before telling her that some people needed to hit rock bottom before they could pick themselves up. She had responded, in Rachel fashion, with 'why didn't someone stop him from falling.' Daddy had told her that you couldn't stop someone from making their own choices; that you could only be there for them when they needed you.

She now realized what that meant. If she had wanted to go out like this in her parents' house they really wouldn't have been able to stop her. They could only trust her enough to tell them when she needed help and support her. If they had tried to stop her she would have just done it anyway and resented them. She wouldn't reach out for their help later on. They wanted her to always come to them. That's what they said. Her therapist, Dave, never quite agreed with them, but it was their way of raising her. Rachel had overheard Dave yelling at them one day. He said that it hadn't been healthy for them to do the water/sadness thing growing up. He had said that curtailing around real emotions was detrimental to not only her, but their entire family dynamic. Dave said that she could never feel comfortable with telling them her feelings because of that.

She had to admit he was right. Dad and Daddy didn't know better, but Dave had been right. She had stopped telling them about her feelings because she saw they were uncomfortable with them. She didn't ever want to hurt their feelings, which probably played a big role in the whole Shelby fiasco. She couldn't bring herself to tell her fathers about her treatment at school. The first time she broke down to them she was sent to New York. It wasn't their fault. More than half of it was theirs. She didn't feel comfortable talking to them and they knew it. That stemmed from her early tears, all relating to having two fathers. How can you comfort your child when you don't feel a problem with the reason they're being bullied? They never quite knew what to say. They would just grab her a glass of water to calm her down and say that the kids were just young and uninformed.

"Uninformed by ass." Rachel mumbled to her reflection as she pulled her hair over her shoulder to get started on a french braid.

She didn't censor herself now. She wasn't afraid of her feelings, but she tried to mask them. She could see it. She wasn't fooling herself. The partying and sex were all about deflecting from her real problems. She had gone to therapy long enough to realize this. What she was doing wasn't healthy, but she didn't know how to stop.

Rachel turned to stare at her cell phone. Maybe it was time to reach out. If she hadn't hit rock bottom she was really close. Her hand gripped the small piece of plastic as she tried to sort through her mind what she would say.

With a sigh she pressed one and then the send key. She held her breath as the phone started to ring. Once. Twice. Three times. The answering machine picked up and she tried to choke back a sob. There was her voice singing a little song relating to the family. It was who she was before. She was sure that she didn't even sound like that. Workshops had matured her voice quickly.

She hung up before leaving a message and realized in that moment how angry she was. How really angry she was and it took her a moment before realizing that she couldn't remember the last time she hadn't felt this angry resentment. Why would they have a child if they couldn't find the time for her? They had "recognized" her talent and nurtured it by placing her in class after class. These classes, of course, allowed them to attend all their busy functions. They would go out as a family once every week for a good two hours, but she was lucky if she ever saw them between then. Why would they do this? Why would they subject a child to the torment incurred by having two gay parents if they weren't going to be there to support them? They weren't bad people and she did love them, but this was too much. How could they do this to her?

And Shelby. How could she come into her life like a hurricane and mess everything up just to waltz out because she wanted a family with a baby not her baby? How could she send Jesse in to bring her this information? To plant a tape? How could she pretend to care one day and leave her the next? How could she think she now had any right to her life? Did she think that with some well placed words that Rachel would decide to be a big sister to Beth? Did she think that her stupid crappy gift of a cup would change that she was a bitch to her? Did she think it made up for all the pain she had felt as a child? Did she really think that Rachel hadn't needed her? If she did she was delusional and Rachel wasn't about to let that type of crazy in her life.

And Jesse. God, Jesse. She had loved him with everything. He was everything Finn wasn't, but how much of that was a lie? How many of the things he said were just acting exercises? How much did he do for Shelby? How the hell could he even do that? How could he think it was a good idea to just waltz into her life and ruin it? How could he play with her heart like that? And better yet, how could he justify coming back today? How could he say that he was angry with her? That he had any right to be angry with her! He probably came today just because she was making it. He felt the need to crush her when she was having success. Or maybe it was worse; he wanted to attach himself to her just as she got famous. Then he could play on that from the other coast. Lovers torn apart by distance, but intensely successful. He had no right to judge her when he played these games.

No one had any right to judge her! They were more screwed up than she was! Look at the damn glee kids. All of them had screwed up lives, but chose to judge her. They acted like they were better than her. Half the time Kurt looked like a transvestite! And Mercedes didn't have a genre range, but complained when she didn't get a song or could sing a song. Tina hid behind a damn fake stutter. Puck and Finn were just douches. Santana and Quinn, bitches. Brittany…stupid. Mike and Matt…well they didn't even talk! How could any of these people judge her?

They couldn't. They had no right. She didn't need them. She didn't want them. After all the crap they all put her through. She didn't want a part of that ever again. She couldn't forgive them. No…that wasn't it. She wouldn't forgive them. They had done too much and thought they could just waltz back into her life and tell her she was making a mistake. How would they know? She was where she wanted to be. She was where she needed to be. She had everything she wanted. Rachel Berry didn't need them to make a name for herself and she proved that. She proved that by making friends. She proved that by getting a role. Not by the means she would have liked, but you had to start somewhere. She always said she would do what it took to get where she wanted to be and now she had. She had everything she wanted.

Her conscious whispered a small, "and no one to share it with." She pounded that down. She didn't need anyone. She hadn't had anyone yet. Her success just proved that she was fine all on her own. She didn't need someone to use or abuse her anymore. She had her own ideas.

And if they thought she would ever forgive them they had another damn thing coming to them. She wouldn't. What had they done for her except cause her undue heartache and pain? They didn't support her until after she got egged and then what had Kurt said? Someone thing about no one but them being allowed to mess with her. No. It should have been, "no one can mess with her." She was sick that she allowed them that power over her. That she had allowed anyone that power over her and she would never ever forgive herself for that.

She wasn't screwing up her life now. No. She had screwed it up before. Choosing glee club over her own happiness again and again. That was her fault. Thinking Finn, Puck, or Jesse could really love her. That was her own fault. Thinking Shelby would want to open her life. Believing naively that everything would be okay if she just kept to the path. Those were all her own fault and she would never forgive herself for believing those things.

She opened her dresser forcefully, pulling out a black minidress that she had bought with Alicia and Ashley the week before. She hadn't worn it yet, but tonight was the perfect night. They were going to celebrate Ashley's minor role in the same play. She had gotten the call this morning and sent out a mass text to everyone. They wouldn't be going out to dinner in style before hitting up one of the alcohol free raves. Or as Alicia liked to call them, "pill city." No alcohol didn't mean no fun. It just meant a whole different type. One that didn't always mean the best morning after, but it was still great while it happened.

Rachel glanced at herself in the mirror before checking the clock. It was just past seven at night and they were meeting in a half hour. She had spent hours sitting in front of the vanity and hours before that talking to people from her past. It was a wasted day if there was any in her book.

Alicia had been moving in and out of the room for the past hour. At one point she came in to drop water bottles full of cheap wine in her large purse for dinner. It was a secret. The disgusting merlot just happened to look like the Raspberry Lemonade that you mix with water. They would sometimes bring these to restaurants that they weren't sure would id them. Mario's could go either way depending on the waiter. If it was a cute guy he could care less about what they ordered as long as they flirted a little. If it was a woman…no chance in hell.

Rachel looked herself over one more time and smiled brightly. She didn't need anyone or anything and she wouldn't feel guilty a moment longer. She may not be the same Rachel Berry, but she didn't see how she needed to be. No one could control her anymore. She wouldn't let them make her feel anything. They wouldn't have that power over her again.


	9. Savior

**Chibi-Kari**: Don't kill me for this chapter, guys! Two more after this...keep up with the 10 reviews and you'll probably get them out this weekend! Sorry it took so long today. I was at the beach. I don't own...enjoy and tell me what you think!

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_Everything's gonna crash and break, but I know. Yeah I know what you got, what you want, what you need. Gonna be your savior._

-"Savior" Skillet

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She wasn't sure what happened or how exactly it happened. Everything was blurry after the bottle at dinner. It didn't help that they had been able to score a few margaritas on the house, of course. Mixing alcohols never bode well for Rachel. That should have been a sign. Who even got margarita's at a pizza place? Wine was more of an obvious choice. But no, instead they went with margaritas. Wine and then mixed drinks were hell on her stomach, but the company seemed good at the time. Still...she should have known this day would be bad after the way it stated. Mr. Schue and then Jesse. That was an omen if anything was. She should have known, but she still didn't think it would prepare her for this.

The last place she had expected to be was sitting in the waiting room of a hospital with her buzz still raging. She didn't know what to do, but one wrong move and everyone would know. It would ruin everything. It would ruin everything she fought for and then she would have nothing left. Absolutely nothing. Where would she go from there?

Dry raves were myths and even adults knew that. She thanked God for that fact. No one had to justify what was happening. There weren't questions after the statement, "She just fell down while dancing. She started seizuring. I'm not sure what she took. I don't know what happened." There were no questions asked. The hospital really didn't care what the non injured did. They weren't dying, so it didn't matter. But Rachel cared. She was panicking and not sure what to do. When Ashley fell she had felt her heart plummet too. Ryan and Alicia were trying to calm down a completely distraught Damien. He was swearing up a storm and at one point tried to leave the hospital. If he didn't calm down soon they were going to call the cops and that would spell ruin for them. She couldn't get caught. It would ruin her chances at Broadway. It would ruin her future. She couldn't ask Alicia to leave and she couldn't make it home herself. She was feeling the familiar paranoia associated with her party cocktail. Everything was always good until it was bad. She needed someone to get her and bring her home. She couldn't be here. She'd find out about Ashley later. She would understand. Profession came first. Friends second. Ashley had made that clear to her that day.

She dialed the number before she even realized what she was doing. It was almost three am and here she was calling someone to pick her up. To hold her hand as they left. She didn't think she'd make it otherwise.

"Hello?" The voice was groggy and slightly worried.

"I need you to come get me." Rachel's voice was uneven and she could hear herself starting to slur the words in her panic. She wasn't sure how long she could wait.

"Where are you?' Came the quick reply and Rachel could hear them pulling on clothes.

"At the hospital." She quickly added the information necessary so that she could be found. She needed to be found quickly. She only could thank God that they were right around the corner.

"Give me fifteen." The line went dead, but Rachel found herself still nodding to the phone seconds later.

Luckily no one else knew the line went dead otherwise it would have been obvious the state she was in. She groaned as she placed her head in her hands. She couldn't do this. She couldn't sit here. Rachel tried to calm her breathing as Damien got out of hand again and their shouts rang through the waiting room. A nurse looked up from her station, alarmed. They were drawing too much attention to themselves. This wasn't good. Rachel needed to go home.

She jumped as a hand landed roughly on her shoulder. "Shelby." Rachel gasped out in relief. She glanced back over as the arguing reached a louder point. She shifted her eyes to the nurse who had picked up the phone and was speaking into it hurriedly, "I need to go. Please we need to go now."

"What happened?" Shelby's voice was calm as she helped Rachel stand.

"We need to go now before the police come. I need to leave. It'll ruin me." She raked a hand through her hair and felt some of the pieces pull from her scalp. Her hair hadn't had that healthy sheen for a few weeks now.

"Oh, baby." Shelby breathed as she wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist as she stumbled.

"Don't baby me. I just need to go. Please. I need to get home." Rachel fought the urge to break down into sobs. This wasn't what she wanted. She was confused, panicked, lost.

Rachel felt Shelby nod as they made their way to the elevators and down to the first floor. Just as they were stepping out several officers took their places. She couldn't believe how lucky she was. With her mother she just looked like a distraught child. They wouldn't think twice about her. She could leave and no one would remember her or be any the wiser.

She gripped her arms as the breeze cut through the near empty street. Shelby hailed a taxi quickly before ushering her into the backseat and rattling off an address. Rachel immediately knew it wasn't for her aunt's.

"Where are we going? I need to go home." Her voice was so small it even shocked her. She sounded as hurt and confused as she actually felt.

Shelby wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulder and pulled her close, "You're going to stay with me."

"No. I can't go back there and you have Beth." Rachel tried to pull away and shake her head.

Shelby just pulled her closer before turning Rachel's face up to look at her, "I can take care of both of you."

It was a simple statement, but it was everything she ever wanted. Everything she ever needed. She started sobbing harder than she could ever remember. Rachel felt wanted. She felt like she didn't need to take care of herself. She knew that for once in her life someone was going to take care of her. She needed that. She had never realized how much she needed that before. How much she needed her mother.

The end of the cab ride came quickly and they stumbled slightly as Shelby pulled her out of the car. Rachel flinched as she felt another arm snake around her waist. She looked over to find a familiar head of curly hair, "Jesse." Her voice was soft as he turned his eyes to meet hers.

There were no epic smiles or witty comments. He just looked at her a moment before squeezing her gently. She understood. He finally saw a part of her again. In this wreck of a person he could pick out his Rachel.

"Why don't we put her on the spare bed in my room and open the adjoining door to yours." Rachel knew his tone of voice. It wasn't a suggestion.

"Jesse, I think-"

He shook his head slightly looking right over the top of Rachel's head at Shelby, "We'll both be there that way.

Shelby seemed to hesitate for a moment before nodding. "I'll go talk to Will after we get her settled. Make sure he knows she'll be alright."

They walked hurriedly into the hotel barely glancing at the night receptionist as she came forward slightly. Jesse pushed the button to the elevator impatiently a few times before Shelby knocked his hand away. The doors opened slowly and Jesse had them through and pressing the close button before the doors had fully opened. Shelby eyed him slightly but didn't say anything. She had to hold her tongue tighter when she saw him shift and pull Rachel closer allowing her to lean back on him. She knew the two had dated, but she had always wondered how much of it was real. Yes he had told her in her car that night that he cared for her, but this was something else. For him to hold Rachel like that when she was in this state. When she was making obviously wrong choices spoke volumes. He loved her and Shelby could see that easily. It must have killed him to walk away. That was obvious by the way he was holding on to her right now, as if he was afraid she would slip away from him. It was unnerving that he felt so strongly about her daughter. She didn't remember feeling that much when she was their age. Hell, she didn't think she ever felt that much about a person that wasn't related to her by blood, or Beth of course.

Jesse pulled Rachel the rest of the way down the hall. They disappeared quickly into his room and Shelby suddenly felt uncomfortable. She was definitely leaving the door open now. Hell, when those two got back together there was going to be a constant open door policy. She loved Jesse like her own son and respected him a great deal, but she knew he did anything to get what he wanted and she wouldn't put it past him to try and trap Rachel.

She entered her room quickly and sighed in relief when she found his adjoining door already opened. Rachel was lying on top of the covers of the spare bed and Jesse was sitting on his bed just staring at her. It was obvious he didn't know what to do or say and he was scared she would somehow disappear.

She made her way into the room silently. Jesse flinched as she rested a hand on his shoulder, "I'm going to go talk to Will. I'll be back in a bit. Leave the door open and call me if anything happens." He nodded distractedly and she took it as a sign to leave.

Rachel seemed to be just staring at him from the other bed not moving. Jesse wasn't sure what he should do. Shelby's footsteps had long since faded out when Rachel finally said something, "I think I'm going to be sick."

Jesse wasn't sure he had ever known he could move that fast. He had her up and in the bathroom before he even realized he had gotten off the bed. She stood for a moment before falling to the floor and over the toilet. He would never do this for anyone else. Could never do this for anyone else. He pulled her hair back lightly as she emptied the contents of her stomach. He reached over with his spare hand and dampened a wet washcloth like his mother always had done when he was little, back before his parents decided he could take care of himself. Rachel flinched as he lifted her hair and placed it against her neck.

"She rested her head on her arms and rolled it to the side to look up at him, "My shoes are too tight."

He sat down on the cold tile floor and set to work removing them as quickly as possible. He would take care of everything she needed. It was all he could do. All he could give her right now.

"Are you done or do you want to stay here a little while longer?" His voice cracked slightly and it dawned on him that he had never in his life been more worried than right now.

She reached up shakily and flushed the toilet while trying to pull herself into a stand, "I'm alright now. I just need to rinse my mouth."

Jesse couldn't hold back the scoff, "You are far from alright." He pulled her off the floor the second time she collapsed and shifted her to the sink while turning on the water.

She reached forward cupping it into her mouth before spitting it out. It masked the smell slightly, but that seemed to be the last thing in his mind. He shifted her out of the room and back on the bed, lying her on her stomach in case she felt the need to throw up again. He didn't want her to aspirate. He had read a lot of kids in college did that accidentally after drinking. It was an awful way to die and he never wanted Rachel to experience it. He placed the washcloth back on her neck and pulled her hair over it. He looked down at her as she pulled her arms up around her face as if to block out screams. He waited a moment longer before quickly making his way into the bathroom for a cup of water. She needed to stay hydrated.

"Jesse?" Her voice was slightly panicked and he knew that she had opened her eyes and he wasn't there.

He willed the glass to fill faster, "Just getting you some water, Babe. Hold tight." His voice sounded tight and stressed to his own ears. He didn't feel comfortable when she wasn't in his sights. This had all happened when he wasn't watching her. Logically he knew he wouldn't have been able to change anything if she had decided to do this back in Lima, but deep down he knew that she wouldn't have done it if he was there.

Her eyes were wide, scanning the bathroom area when he finally was able to see her again. She was scared and the truth of the matter was that he was too. He was terrified. He couldn't let her out of his life again. He silently set the water on the nightstand next to her bed.

Her eyes met his and he felt relief. She was still there. "Thanks." Her voice was mumbled, but he knew she meant it.

He held her eyes and willed her to understand, "I do it because I love you, Rachel Berry. Don't ever thank me for it."

She nodded slightly before starting to sob again, "I'm scared, Jesse. I'm scared."

He didn't know his heart could break anymore until that moment. He walked around the bed and climbed in from the other side, pulling her into his arms. "I know. I know."

He couldn't do anything right now except hold her, but really that's all she had ever wanted.


	10. I Climb

**Chibi-Kari:** You guys are keeping the updates fast! One more after this...it's almost like an epilogue, the last chapter...but not quite. Once again, you can not hold me accountable for what I write...lol! I don't own, but it would be wonderful to have lots of money because I owned it.

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_From in the middle of the room she hears the conversation moving further from where she's going._

_Is this the way you let your problems drift away too?_

_I don't want you to be, anything at all. I just want you to say you love me. I don't care, just stop living like this. I don't want to be, anything at all. I just want you to see who I am._

-"I Climb" Thousand Foot Krutch

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She opened her eyes to the sight of Shelby stretched across Jesse's bed with Beth in a small crib in the space between the two beds. She felt the weight of Jesse's arm across her back and had a moment of pure bliss. This was how her life was supposed to be. She heard a sound come from the open doorway into what she could only assume was Shelby's room originally. She saw her daddy pace past the door glancing in slightly. From this angle she knew he couldn't tell she was awake. She almost broke down into tears again. These people loved her. They really loved her.

Then everything came crashing down. She remembered how she got here. What had happened last night. Panic ripped through her. She needed to find out if Ashley was alright. She fumbled for her pockets and her cell phone before she was ripped into a sitting position by a now fully awake Jesse.

"What's wrong?" He sounded panicked as he looked over her. She heard Shelby shift in the bed next door and heard two sets of footsteps pound from the other room.

All of this didn't matter as much as finding her cell phone and the pounding of the blood in her ears, "I can't find my cell. I need it. I need to find out how Ashley is. What time is it? I have workshops at 10." She was panicking and she knew she was making little sense. Rambling like this was an old habit that she found herself slipping into.

Jesse stopped her by placing his hands on her face and focusing her, "It's 9 in the morning and I have your phone." He reached backwards with one hand fumbling slightly before bringing it forward and holding her phone out.

She fumbled slightly as she saw a text from Alicia. She read it a few times before standing abruptly, "I need to get ready. I need to go." She tossed the phone on the bed and sidestepped Jesse's hand as he made a grasp for her. She remembered to be careful of Beth who was just inches behind her.

She saw her dad move forward and she sidestepped him, too. "I'll come back after. It's a ways away. I need to go. I have to go." She was starting to lose it. She had to get out of the room. She turned abruptly towards the door and caught Shelby's eye momentarily, "I'll come back after. I promise."

She ran out into the hallway ignoring Mr. Schuester as he came out of the elevator. She heard him call for her, but she just kept going, turning abruptly to run down the stairs.

She wasn't sure how she made it to the small theatre. Her mind was a mess, but she stepped forward as if nothing was wrong. She had stopped at a convenience store and took care of her needs on the way. There was no use showing up to work looking like crap and smelling like it. It wasn't professional. She needed to be professional.

She walked in just as everyone was taking their seats. There were a few nods in her direction before the casting director opened his mouth, "Well, I've just heard we'll need to cast a new JoAnne. I hope to have that done by next week, but that really shouldn't hinder practice. It wasn't a large part."

The director nodded and Rachel suddenly flashed back to that horrid boy. She felt sick. How could she have done that just to get a role? How did she fall that low? The director carried on eying her slightly. "I've made a few changes to some of the songs. I feel it better fits the moods of our actors. I know it's a lot to ask to change so often, but that's the business. The show must go on."

Rachel really felt sick now. Everything she had ever thought she wanted seemed so callous. The show must go on? Could it just go on without her, too? Would she just be a bleep in the musical theatre radar and then fall off into obscurity? She was absolutely sickened. If her stomach wasn't already empty she knew she would have lost everything now. Ashley was a footnote now. And inconvenience to them. She was dead and they didn't care.

She stood abruptly. She couldn't take this. She wasn't old enough to handle something like this. She wasn't mature enough. Bright lights were a lot different looking from the outside.

"Rachel?" The director sounded slightly confused. He had noted her appearance when she first walked in and wondered if she had heard of Ashley's death. The two girls were the same age, but during original casting he hadn't seen them associating. It was probably just hitting her hard, "Do you need some water? You look pale." She was his star and he needed to do what it took to calm her down. He would have cast her even if his nephew hadn't told him to. He might not have given her the lead, but he didn't regret it. She was perfect for the role and when they first started she had had this fire behind her eyes. He hadn't seen it in awhile, but that sometimes happened during workshops. The thrill of the first performance almost always brought it back. This little girl would make it big and he loved that he had discovered her.

"I can't do this." Her voice broke slightly.

"Do you need to go home today?" He tried to be kind. He wouldn't ever do this for anyone else, but she was young and finding a future star could do even more for his rising reputation.

"No. I need to go home. I can't do this. I can't be here. I'm not in a good place. I'm sorry." She turned to the casting director who was imitating a fish, "You'll have to recast Michelle, too."

Rachel heard several people call her name as she made her way out the front doors. This would be her last walk out ever. Everything was different now. Nothing she thought was important before was now.

"Rachel." Jesse's voice was smooth as he walked forward engulfing her in his arms in the middle of a New York sidewalk just as she stepped out the front doors.

She looked over his shoulder and saw her parents…all three of them. And her sister, Beth, cradled in her mother's arms. The sight of Beth didn't make her upset anymore. Her entire family was here for her. Her daddy was close to tears as he stepped around Jesse and wrapped his arms around her from the other side. She was quickly engulfed by so many arms that she couldn't see anything anymore. The thought would have been frightening if she wasn't surrounded by people that loved her.

Her voice was soft, but she knew every one of them could hear it. "I want to go home. I need to go home." She momentarily faltered before adding, "I need help."

She felt a sob rack through her dad's body, "We'll take care of it, baby. We'll take care of everything. I'm so sorry this happened. I'm sorry we didn't get your call yesterday. We were on our way. I'm sorry."

Rachel just shook her head, "No. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."

After a moment longer everyone started detaching themselves from her and ushering her back to the street. They hailed two cabs. Before she could get in she heard her name.

Rachel turned to find the director standing there looking at the group of people in front of him, "When you get everything straightened out and come back find me."

Rachel shook her head, "I don't know if I'll come back."

He laughed slightly, "You will. You'll be fine."

For a moment Rachel could find herself believing him. Maybe she would be fine. He turned back inside and she looked back at the people supporting her. It was then she knew she would be. She still didn't know if she wanted to come back, but she knew she would be fine. These people saw her. She didn't have to become someone else or do what everyone else did. They saw her for her. They saw her mistakes and loved her anyway. They would help her. She had let her problems get away and rule her life. Now she didn't have to take it on alone.


	11. Grey Street Lillywhite

**Chibi-Kari:** Here is the last chapter. It was perfect to end with a different version of the song I started with. I hope you enjoyed and check out my new story, Wishes, up now! I don't own, but your support gave me inspiration and helped to grow! Please drop me a review about the story as a whole...did you think it was realistic? What could have been better? I want to hear from you!

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_But when the roads in her heart fall and then she rode the light in. Oh, the pain now seems it's over._

_Take what you can from your dreams make it real as anything. Takes the work out of the courage._

_So, don't lose your heaven. Don't convince yourself you're done just 'cause the things around you seem heavy. Doesn't mean you can't get off this ground._

-"Grey Street" Dave Matthews Band (Lillywhite Sessions)

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It had been a few months since she was back in Lima. Jesse had gone off to UCLA. He wasn't happy about it and had gotten permission to defer a year, but after a big blow out had been convinced by Rachel that he needed to attend. He came home once a month as a compromise, and an excuse to use his parents' money, and they skyped every night. Rachel knew he was uncomfortable leaving her, but she needed to do it for him. They had had a long talk and it was decided that she would join him after high school. She wasn't ready to face New York again and her therapist said the sun would do her good.

Her fathers hadn't been as keen on the idea as Jesse and her therapist had, but they were warming up to it. They had almost a year and a half to do so. She had lost their trust, but she had lost her own. When she had first come back she wasn't sure she could trust any of her own decisions.

The only good thing she felt was the lack of anger. She hadn't even realized she had been so angry all that time until it was missing. She felt light. It took her a long time to realize that it was the anger in control out in New York and not her. She blamed herself for so long and spent so much time asking for forgiveness that had long been given.

For awhile she wasn't even sure she could reclaim any of her old life. She felt as if she had shattered all the pieces, but everyone convinced her otherwise. It was only after Mr. Schue and all the original glee club kids came to her house that she realized how tight of a support system she had. Everyone had offered their support. Puck had been especially kind to her. He had a Jewish mother…he knew guilt.

Quinn had also been a big help. She had beat it into her that mistakes weren't what defined you. It was what you did with your life after. Their mistakes were glaringly different, but it was still had hit home. Quinn had been able to rise above and become a better person and convinced Rachel that she could do the same.

It wasn't going to be easy. She knew that. There were moments where she wanted to slip out of herself again. Moments where it got too hard, but someone was always there. She was almost afraid for that moment where they wouldn't be. She only hoped by then she could help herself completely or find the courage to go to someone to support her.

She had all of her parents now, a little sister, a loving boyfriend, and friends. These were all things she didn't know she would have when she left for New York. Life was drastically different and it had been just over six months since stepping on that plane after Regionals. Things were frighteningly different. She spent weekends with her mother and sister except for the weekend Jesse would fly in. Then they would stay at her fathers' place. Shelby had demanded any open door policy every time Jesse visited. Her fathers' found it funny at first until last month when they opened her door one. Then they were now diehard supporters of the policy. She was more active in glee and spent more time surrounded by friends. She would go places, host get-togethers, and generally have fun that she wasn't able to before.

She felt like a different person and it times the jokes and fun around her seemed so much more innocent than she actually was. It was moments like these that she felt bad again. Felt bad about who she was. Felt bad about who she had been. Felt bad about the things she had done. Her therapist told her this was natural and that over time she would begin to accept what had happened as not necessarily a good thing, but something that ended up being beneficial. It had shaped her into who she was today and she couldn't be ashamed of any of the changes.

Not everything had changed. The director that day had been right. She didn't lose her dream of Broadway. She just wanted to wait. Everything that happened as still upsetting. She could still remember getting the playbill from Alicia in the mail two weeks ago. There was a small remembrance to Ashley in the front of it and she had immediately broken down. The lively and loyal girl that Rachel had come to know had been reduced to three sentences. It was then that Rachel vowed to carry Ashley with her. It was like the Spring Awakening lyrics: Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night and I won't let them stray from my heart. Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light I'll read all their dreams to the stars. Rachel would do this. She would live for both herself and Ashley. In her heart she would be more than three lines.

The playbill had come with a little note about what was happening in New York. Alicia had decided to focus on school for awhile and Ryan took off on a tour to open for some band she had never heard of. But what really broke her heart was Damien. He hadn't recovered from her loss and Alicia wrote that he was moving out to Minnesota to be with his mother. He just couldn't deal with Ashley's death and Alicia couldn't seem to find the words to describe him, just that his parents thought it best for him to go away for awhile.

Rachel jumped slightly as her skype went off. She smiled brightly as Jesse St. James is calling popped up on her computer screen. She quickly clicked Answer with Video before beaming at her boyfriend.

"You look tired." She noted.

"Hello to you, too. We had practice today. Hard work, let me tell you, but you'll love it."

Rachel laughed slightly, "I'm still not graduating a year early to come out there."

"Oh come on." Jesse pouted at her lightly.

"Fine, you tell my dads and Shelby." She shook her head at him.

His eyes widened and he looked panicked, "Would we have to tell them? Shit. I barely want to look at your dad again after the talk he gave me last month. I've never been so scared for my life."

Rachel laughed, "He was pretty frightening."

Jesse shook his head in disbelief, "You don't have to live in fear of becoming a eunuch!" He sighed slightly, "So did you go out to Dayton today?"

Rachel nodded slightly, "It was good. I enjoy doing this. It helps to help them." Rachel thought back to when her therapist first suggested going into the city and working with neglected kids. She hadn't been neglected, but she could understand their anger and knew what it was like to lose control. She had been uncomfortable and afraid she would somehow pick up some of the habits again, but that was far from the case. It only reaffirmed her new life. And she took solace in helping them as much as she could. But there was one thing she did know. She wouldn't be able to help those kids who didn't want it and it was hard to want it until you hit rock bottom. She had done that and been there and most of the kids appreciated it.

"Are you listening to me? I said I was going to take the flight that arrives just after three in the afternoon. Shelby wants us to all have a big family dinner together. That gives me enough time to make it into town."

Rachel nodded slightly, "Do you want me to meet you at the airport?"

"Nah. I want to rent a car anyway. I'll pick you up to go to Shelby's though. Maybe we can stay there this weekend. I'm a little less frightened of her than your dad right now."

Rachel laughed. Right now everything was perfect and she knew she could make it.


End file.
